If I had a pound for every time I misunderstood an expression,
I'd have a bird in my bush!

I've started spraying hairspray on my moustache.
People always tell me I need a stiff upper lip.

Quiz show host:"For ten thousand pounds,name one of Cuba's biggest export products."
Contestant:"Cigarettes."
Host:"Close but no..Cigar is the answer I was looking for."

My wife thinks I'm too old to still care so much for my Lord of the Rings memorabilia.
But you know what they say, it's not easy saying goodbye to old hobbits.

How does James Bond like to keep his facial hair?
Shaven not furred.

Some random bloke just handed me a piece of masonry.
I thought, "that's a bit off the wall."

Apparently the only question you can't answer truthfully is 'are you asleep?'.
I suspect 'are you dead?' is also quite a tricky one.

Im sick and tired of having the flu and insomnia.

If you only see one film this year, you probably don't like watching films very much.

Sometimes I put my hands on the floor, tuck my head to my chest and then push with my feet.
Because that's how I roll.

I come from the school of hard knocks.
Why they had a ten inch thick oak door is beyond me.

I hosted a dinner party last night and so I hired three chefs to help with the cooking.
All of the food was absolutely delicious, except the broth which was a little flavourless.

I walked up to a girl in a nightclub and asked her if she'd like to sit on my face.
She said she wants to sleep on it.

Oh Cul de sacs.
They take me back.

I'm not a big talker. My girlfriend only has to look in the mirror to know if she's done something wrong...

Children are to be seen and not heard.
Unless you're singing at the Beijing Olympics.

"Out of small acorns grow mighty oaks"
I must have the bonsai variety

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Jews will never hurt me.

My wife's narcolepsy completely spoilt our Medditeranean cruise.
Now she's sleeping with the fishes.

Make no mistake,I can't stand errors.

I went to a zoo recently and was horrified that the creatures on show were treated no better than animals

I like to disprove popular sayings.
Which is why I've nicknamed my wife "stone".

"bigger is better" no fatty, not in your case.

I'm getting fed-up with Derren Brown for turning up on site unannounced every day.I don't give a toss if he wants to learn the tricks of the trades.

Bulimics.
Giving themselves a second bite of the cherry.