Never take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.

Grab your Deep Heat,you've pulled a muscle.

All things being equal,
I'd fail my maths test.

'Out with the old and in with the new' has always been one of my mottos in life.
And that's why there's about 64 dead elderly patients in the grounds of my nursing home.

My grandfather must be turning in his grave.
Because I buried him alive.

I've given up trying to explain to my daughter how she could improve her hockey skills.
She always gets the wrong end of the stick.

I'm not part of the clique at my local 'stunt club'.
They always leave me out of the loop.

I got pulled over by a policeman for doing 40 in a 30 zone.
"Sir, I'm afraid that's a 60 fine and 3 points on your licence," he said.
"Oh, for crying out loud!"
"No, for speeding."

When God closes a door, he opens a window, which explains how the robbers gained entry.

was watching monsters inc the other day, then it occured to me. thats where maddie is.

Why doesn't anyone sing 'Happy Birthday' to new-born babies?

My wife loves cake & it's true what they say..
'Love makes the girl go round'

As my dad used to say "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
I told him to just take the car, but he was quite insistent on walking.

I landed myself in hot water with the fit blonde from next door.
Unfortunately, it was when I slipped while peeping through her bathroom skylight.

I'm struggling to find members to join my conspiracy theory society.
Well, you know what they say. Rome wasn't built.

I don't know where these silly old sayings come from.
I mean, I once saw a bowl in a china shop, it wasn't causing any trouble. It was just sitting there.

Revision is impossible. Beat that Adidas.

So Barack Obama has Irish heritage.
He just needs to get himself a dog now and he'd be a pub landlord's worst nightmare.

My mate gets really turned on when he see's the hull of a ship.
Well, whatever floats your boat.

A wise man once said ''If you ever want people to listen to what you have to say, tell them it's something a wise man once said''

Yesterday, I was asked if I knew what the phrase 'Delusions of Grandeur' meant.
I replied, "Of course I do, I created that phrase."

Give a man a stick and some string, and he will try and make a fishing rod out of it.
Give a man a fishing rod, and he will sell it on eBay.

Real men don't cheat.
Although Ronaldo does dive a lot.

Rangers FC have unveiled a new kit for the 2012/13 season.
Apparently, the material came from a batch of freshly counted chickens.

Barbers.
You got to take your hat off.