"Home is where the heart is"
The police then took me back to my cell as the murder investigators went to my house.

My pompous neighbour once said "War is never the answer"
So I asked him "What is a state of armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state?"

My death metal band 'Abuk' got sued the other day. Apparently you have to pay royalties when you record a version of a copyrighted song.
In my defence, i told the court not to judge Abuk by its cover.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me a painting for my newspaper.

My girlfriend told me she's joined a theatre group just for blondes.
Fair play to her.

An alcoholic is someone whom you dislike that drinks as much as you do.

My wife is leaving me because she says i over complicate everything I say.
Well its safe to say I am a rabbit of negative euphoria.

Sliced bread.
The best thing since chopped up mammoth.

I often go out with a list of insults written on my sleeve.
I'm never stuck for an off the cuff remark

Just met up with a thirty something girl from a dating website. Turns out it's stone.

I just had to shut down my new restaurant 'The Broth'.
I hired too many cooks and it spoilt it.

Once you go Asian, you get disappointed and return to Caucasian.

"Here's looking at you kid"
Which is why I'm now in jail for paedophillia.

My nan always warned I should be "wary of all men because they only want one thing."
Even though I've been married for over a year, I still can't get the image of grandad holding a remote control out of my head.

My wife walked into the bedroom in a nurses outfit and whispered, "Tonight you can do whatever you want."
"Wow, I feel like a kid in a candy shop," I said
"Sounds like someone's happy..."
"With diabetes."

The Devil Makes Work For Idle Hands.
He'll have his work cut out if her ever visits Liverpool then.

The Kettle said to the Pot
"Is it because I is black?"

If people say to you, "Liar, liar pants on fire!" and your pants aren't actually on fire, I think they're being a bit hypocritical.

Ladies:
Arrive alive. Don't nag your husband whilst he's driving.

It's only my vertigo that stopped me climbing the ladder to success.

They say that there is a bullet out there with your name on it.
That's why I've lived my whole life in fear because my surname is Armour-Piercing.

What goes around comes around.
I found this out when I threw up on the Waltzers.

You could hear a pin drop in my house this morning when the wife found out I'd been having an affair.
Pity I didn't see the grenade that she'd just pulled it from.

Don't teach your Grandma to suck eggs,
you don't get the same pleasure.

I've just treated my wife to a new vibrator.
I'm going soft in my old age.