Sayings Joke

I ate cheese in my dream last night.
Now I'm having a nightmare day.

Sayings Joke

A friend of mine always keeps his cards close to his chest.
He's got a little thalidomide hand.

Sayings Joke

The "I before E except after C" rule doesn't apply to the word efficiency, which isn't a very efficient rule.

Sayings Joke

They say 'no news is good news'. Well, last year, my brother went on a 2 week backpacking holiday in Zimbabwe and we haven't heard from him since.
He must be having fun.

Sayings Joke

To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
Yabba Dabba Do. - Fred Flintstone

Sayings Joke

A foolish man will tell a woman to shut up.
A wise man will tell a woman she is beautiful with her lips closed.

Sayings Joke

I'm Worried that my addiction to Helter Skelters is spiraling out of control.

Sayings Joke

Why don't they give out toilet roll in KFC?
Beacuse is finger lickin' good!

Sayings Joke

How long before this 'Original Author' gets abused?

Sayings Joke

A woman's success is directly proportional to how wide her legs will spread.

Sayings Joke

Singing Lessons....40
Pink Dress....80
Hotel for the night....110
Taxi to studio....15
The look on her face when Ant says 'we don't have time to do it again' PRICELESS!
There's some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Hollie Steel.

Sayings Joke

My wife is just like a broken record player. She's been in a bin bag at the tip for the last 30 years.

Sayings Joke

My wife asked me yesterday "what came first the egg or the chicken?" I replied "the toast then the egg, now stop asking me stupid questions and make my breakfast."

Sayings Joke

Don't judge people by the colour of their skin.
Muslims can be white too you know.

Sayings Joke

My Grandad always used to say "find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck."
Which worked well for him, until he drowned in a fountain.

Sayings Joke

The amount of time spent on Facebook is inversely proportional to the amount of actual friends you have.

Sayings Joke

It's the thought that counts.
Unless that thought came from a woman's brain. Then it doesn't.

Sayings Joke

My Kitchen appliances are involved in a bitter race row.
Apparently it all started when the pot called the kettle black.

Sayings Joke

My granddad always said, "What you don't know won't hurt you, son."
Until I beat him to death with my big book of rocket science.

Sayings Joke

My mum always told me never to put all my eggs in one basket.
Which made it very difficult for me to steal from Tesco.

Sayings Joke

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
So if the zombie apocalypse starts there, the rest of the world is saved.

Sayings Joke

Fat People: They've had more hot meals than I've had hot meals.

Sayings Joke

My Mum always said to me
"It's not about how many times you fall off the horse, it's about how many times you get back on"
Try telling that to Christopher Reeve.

Sayings Joke

My doctor says with a bit of patience he can cure my blindness.
I'll have to wait and see.

Sayings Joke

My girlfriend's like a parking ticket. She's got "fine" written all over her.
She fell asleep and I had a marker pen.