Good Girls bend at the knees.
Bad Girls bend at the waist.

My grandad used to say "Take everything in life with a pinch of salt".
He died from dehydration.

Why are girls so against Bukkake?
They should take it as it comes.

Red sky at night - light of shorter wavelengths is being dissipated by water vapour and atmospheric dust.
Red sky in the morning...
Same.

A red sky at night is a shepherds delight.
But in Newport it means your car is probably on fire.

My son was about to jump off a building because I'd never given him any advice.
I said "Luke, before you leap..."

I was in America last week and visited a taxidermist. After spotting a large stuffed Grizzly I told the shop owner I'd like its upper limbs.
The shop owner said," Son, you can't buy it in bits."
I said, " Hold on. This is America, yeah?"
He said," Certainly is. The land of the free."
I said," Ok. So what about my right to bear arms?"

They say in Norwich:
"You can choose your friends but you can't choose your wife."

Walked down to the beach earlier
The coast was clear

I was in London with my mates when one of them said "How are we going to get over the river?"
I said, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it".

Up escalators, they won't let you down.

They say you can't run away from your problems.
Well, I don't know, my wife is pretty large....

Just saw a German philosopher out buying fruit.
Pretty sure I've spotted a Nietzsche in the market.

I went in to my local Staples, and could not believe how disorganised the stationery was.
It was all over the shop

I've started stealing young horses.
A foal and his mummy are easily parted.

My mother in law was admitted to hospital with a bad case of dementia, so when me and the wife were visiting her I said to the doctor
"How bad is she, Doc?"
to which he replied
"Very bad i'm afraid, the lights are on but no-ones home".
So I robbed her house.

A wise man once said if you love somebody let them go.
I love my wife but looking at her body on the rocks below I'm tending to disagree.

My motto in life is 'third time lucky'.
Which is probably why I didn't make it as a heart surgeon.

Christmas is certainly in the air.
I guess my kids' presents burned real good then.

I told my wife that i got a new job as a puppeteer
"How on earth did you do that?" she asked
"I had to pull a few strings" I replied

Sticks and stones may break my bones but I also have low self esteem and suffer from a severe lack of confidence so words can really hurt me also.

the greatest lies of all time:
I love you
This wont hurt a bit
its in the mail
I was going to call you
I swear I wont come in your mouth
of course I will respect you in the morning
I'm from the goverment, and I'm here to help you

I'm hoping to get some investment for my new business venture...It's eleven foot barge poles for things you wouldn't touch with a ten foot barge pole...any offers

My wife has always said that what you don't know can't hurt you.
We'll soon see about that, she doesn't know I've cut her brakes.

Spending Valentines Day in prison has taught me one thing,
"It's better to give than receive".