My wife came in with a huge smirk on her face and said to our guests,''Oh my god can you believe Dave reckons these vases he made are unbreakable'' waving them in front of her.
I went,''Oh just drop it would ya.''

Confucius say: Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

A friend of mine built an extension for my castle.
It was awful, but it's the fort that counts...

My new house is very small which is great news for my cat.

I'm not just a pretty face you know.
If I was, my lack of torso might be somewhat debilitating.

They say romance is dead.
My blind wife and her Haribo ring would beg to differ.

I'm growing tired of my Rohypnol dependence.

They say 'One swallow does not make a summer'.
If you knew my wife, then I beg to differ.

Behind every great man is his woman. Behind every great woman is me with a mask and a knife.

The worst things in life are free, too.

No one likes a show off.
I'd kill them all with my bare hands.

They say that "it's not who you know, its what you know".
I would say "its what you know about who".

Went streaking in a bird sanctuary at 6AM.
Turns out the early bird really does catch the worm.

I'm sitting here looking at the results of years of working my fingers to the bone.
I've got boney fingers.

Good judgement comes from bad experiences and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

Just out of curiosity, has anyone actually ever eaten a horse?

My current relationship reminds me a lot of ripping a plaster off,
The longer it lasts the worse it feels....

You never know what's around the corner,
unless you're local.

The secret to success is honesty & good bookkeeping....
if you can fake those you're sorted.

My wife's always complaining that I have to go one better than everyone.
Well I don't give three hoots what she thinks.

Life is something that everyone should try at least once.

I've decided to dedicate all my time to making my wife the happiest girl alive.
It's not that I love her; I just enjoy killing women.

I've started my own business making hula hoops out of steel rods instead of plastic tubes.
It's really hard to make ends meet.

The postman mistakenly pushed a copy of Relativity magazine through my door the other day.
I shouted after him, "Excuse me! I don't subscribe to this theory."

I'll never forget the time I crossed a dyslexic mafia boss.
I ended up on a boat full of narcoleptics holding a fishing rod & net.
That night I was fishing with the sleepy's.