I took a woman back to mine last night.
She said, "I'm like a fine wine in bed. I've got better with age."
I said, "Well I'm like Jack Daniels."
She asked, "Aged 18?"
I said, "No. Good liquor"

I'm not a pessimist; I'm a depressed realist.

They say things come in three's
I don't, I come in my socks

My girlfriend broke a mirror.
"That's forty-nine years bad luck," I said.
"Don't you mean seven?" she asked.
"No. That mirror belonged to my dog."

Did you know, if you took all of the obese people from England & all of the obese people from America & put them in one place, that place would be Disneyland.

One man's junk is every other man's junk. The only difference is, somewhere along the line, One of those men will put that junk on eBay.

Confucius say: not much since 479 BC.

Some say that the thing that matters in bed is 'the motion of the ocean' and not 'the size of the boat'
Yeah, but lots of motion on a tiny boat is scary and disturbing...

I just heard a voice shout, "Black." In my kitchen.
I ran in with my baseball bat, but it was just the pot calling the kettle.

We may be made from snips of snails and puppy dogs' tails,
but at least we don't smell of fish.

"Laugh and the world laughs with you" .... is the maxim likely to get you ejected from the crowd at the Special Olympics.

In days gone by, when people decided to punish a person by giving them the silent treatment, they called it, "Sending them to Coventry."
Surely a more effective punishment would have been to actually send them to Coventry.

I've spent my money wisely since I won the lottery.
I've employed MC Hammer to guard the TV remote from the wife.

If at first you don't succeed, find out where she lives.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

My girlfriend tried to be funny last night by saying "I like my men like I like my coffee. Hot, sweet and black!"
I wasn't amused. So I said "I like my women like I like my beer. Cheap, tasteful and silent."

My mum said I used to cry wolf a lot as a child, but what did she expect?
It was her who took me to Gladiators and she knew he was my favourite.

I find 'the difference between chalk and cheese' is significantly greater when playing snooker.

I'm always pulling on my mum's heart strings.
Which is why I'm banned from the Intensive Care unit.

I was at the carousel at the airport and there was one piece of luggage left going round.
The guy next to me had lost something so I thought it might be his but apparently this wasn't the case.

I've just come back from a diving holiday in Egypt.
It cost me an arm and a leg.

I was with a very beautiful woman last night and you know the old saying "Beauty is only skin deep"? Well it's true.
Because once I'd broken into the chest cavity, things started to look pretty messy after that.

I thought I was being followed earlier.
Looking back, I wasn't.

Carslberg don't do good beer.

Has anyone else wondered why there were "Ten in the bed" in the first place?