They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,
but my hand on your birds bush is worth two black eyes.

Why do people say stuff is 'the best thing since sliced bread'?
There are plenty things better, and it wouldn't kill us if we had to slice it ourselves would it?

I keep losing my Tom-Tom,which leaves me wondering...

Since I moved to London a couple of weeks ago I've been living life in the fast lane.
It's one he'll of a traffic jam.

I've just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand.

Today cops found all the stolen organs at my work but were still missing a heart.
I finally gave up and said,''Home...Is where the heart is.''

I'm absolutely gutted. My wife just left me. She took everything exept a few cadburys chocolate biscuits...on the other hand I've more fingers

"the worst way to stop a bullet is with your head"
-Abraham Lincon

'A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.'
Well I'm missing one so how will this play out...

It's true when people say, "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."
I had a life before I got married, now it's gone.

You know what they say: You can take the man out of Manchester... but then it would be called Chester.... Which could be very misleading.

My mate said "all cleaners are thick slags."
'Bit of a sweeping statement' I thought.

I was standing with my soon to be ex wife when my lawyer handed me our divorce papers and I asked. " is that it done then?"
"No." He replied. " It's not over 'til the fat lady signs."

I have a kinky fetish for weather conditions.
Blowing a gale outside.

Last night my Amish mate went,''My back is killing me,do you have any advice?''
I went,''Mate you made your own bed,you sleep in it.''

My mate has just changed his name to 'Blackpool'.
He's got some front that lad.

They say if you hang around them for long enough, they will eventually be your friend.
Imagine my surprise when the restraining order came through.

I often hear people say "if I was in their position I probably would have done the same thing".
Which brings me to an interesting question: If I were an undertaker...

"You're enough to drive a man to drink." I said.
"What do you mean?" she retorted.
"Give us a lift to the pub?"

I'm a firm believer in always going that extra mile.
Or sometimes even more when it's a dumb American tourist I have in the back of my cab.

I've just built a new heroin rehabilitation centre.
In order to discourage any drug use we store all paraphenalia in hay stacks.

I never really understood Idioms until I was sitting watching tv one night and my house collapsed...
It came down on me like a ton of bricks.

My Mother-in-law used to say, "If at first you don't succeed try and try again."
A philosophy that came back to haunt her as I struck her for the eighth time with my claw hammer.

Just spent a week building a time machine.
There's seven days i'll get back.

I saw this kid coming out of McDonald's with a happy meal.
I punched him in the face and nicked it.
Turns out there is such a thing as a free lunch.