Deep down I'm really shallow.

Postmen always go that extra mile.
Which explains why the mail never arrives on time.

There is no such thing as gravity, the world just sucks.

Circular logic works because Circular logic works.

Good things come to those who wait.
Unless you worked in a restaurant in the Twin Towers.

What's a coat? You've pulled a Geordie.

I split up with my wife today after I caught her using my drinking utensils.
It was the final straw.

Martin Luthor King: "I had a dream"
To much cheese before you went to bed Martin?

What came first the chicken on the egg?
Well it's obviously the egg. When have you ever had chicken for breakfast?

The chief executive of NASA had his wallet stolen near my market stall in the East End of London today.
I gave him 20 to stick in his sky rocket.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains arouse me.

I was at school today and I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open, never mind concentrate on any of my work. Luckily though I got a second wind after lunch.
Unfortunately it never turned out to be a 'second wind' and I'm now sitting in an old pair of joggers from lost property.

Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.

My grandad was telling me about the war today when he said "it was a fight to the finish"
"unlike all those other wars that were fought until the middle?" i replied.

Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to phish and he will eat for the rest of his life.

I'm buying my wife a new treadmill soon.
She already has one but she's run it into the ground.

They say "fortune favours the brave."
That's why I always buy my lottery ticket dressed as an Apache.

For those people who say "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone".
See a Doctor, you'll live longer.

My wife wanted me to do all the washing, but I couldn't understand the instructions on the machine.
In the end I just threw the towel in.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away..
Nothings a match for me and my cannon!

My life is 'sound as a pound' at the minute.
I'm probably going to kill myself.

I like to put thumb tacks on the heels of my wife's shoes.
Just to keep her on her toes.

"If you can't beat him on the pitch, beat her on the dance floor"
-Stewart Downing

I was so upset when my girlfriend left me because of my obsession with the Red Hot Chili Peppers
I dont ever wanna feel like i did that day

How does the rabbit get inside the headlight in the first place?!