I wouldn't give tuppence for people who use colloquialisms.
I've had an idea for something that keeps liquid inside a bottle.
It's a corker.
Did you here about the dentist who married a manicurist?
2 weeks later they were fighting tooth and nail.
My Dad used to say, "I'm a big shot. When I talk, people listen"
At least I think that's what he said. I wasn't really listening.
They say that behind every successful man there's a women. As Britain's most successful rapist, I have to agree.
I unveiled my invention on Dragons Den last night to some puzzled looks.
"This is my un-manned, all terrain army vehicle that's ten years in the making and cost me one million pounds to develop."
Deborah Meaden said, "It will never work, it looks ridiculous, and why is it in the shape of a brain?"
"It's a think tank." I replied.
It's the ones that can't write them, who serve them.
I got stabbed yesterday because I wouldn't give the mugger my watch.
The policeman asked me "why didn't you just hand it over to him?"....
I replied "I'd never give a black person the time of day!"
I thought I'd treat my wife to some chocolates and flowers today.
But I don't like her, so never bothered.
They do say, It's the thought that counts.
I was struggling to spell Anders Breivik but then I remembered that rhyme...
I before E unless you've done a killing spree.
I rule my house with an iron fist.
Ever since they fitted me with a prosthetic.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it
My Uncle always told me the secret to a happy life was to eat like a King and make love like a Queen...of course that was before aids came into the picture.
Two hippy girls talking and one asks "Have you ever gone cold turkey?"
The other one replies, "No, but once I got desperate and used a chicken leg"
I asked a woman the other day 'what do you do for a job?'
she said 'I'm a 'stay at home wife''
I said 'that's not a job...that's any good husband's advice.'
Last night I said to my mate,"My wife wants to be double penetrated but lets keep it between you and me."
I found it hard following my father's footsteps.
He's got really big prints and my wheel chair keeps getting stuck in the mud.
I've been writing an essay on the origins of euphemistic language.
Apparently 'how's your father' originated from the Vatican City.
Me and my sister were having an argument this morning in the kitchen. Our mom walked in and said: "Looks like you guys woke up on the wrong side of the bed."
How does she know what me and my sister did last night?
They say 'a picture paints 1000 words'.
Apparently the exam board disagrees with this statement where 5000-word essays are concerned.
I've just heard a new song called Lead, by Example.
A man walks into a casino, and sits down at the poker table. As the bets are beginning to be taken, the man suddenly notices two cows, smoking weed in the corner. He abruptly stands up and starts to leave, another player says "Hey man, where are you going, we've just started!" The man turns around to him and says "Sorry sir, I don't game when the steaks are high"
This Sunday the clocks go forward for the start of British Summertime.
Now we're just waiting in the Meantime.
'If you remember the 1960's, you probably weren't there.'
Strangely, if you don't remember the 1960's, there's also a good chance you weren't there.
My wife recently auditioned for cinderella in a pantomime and asked me if I thought she would get the part.
I said, "Hey, if the shoe fits".