I am a student.........Forever a loan.

The term 'LOL' can no longer be used as it is politically incorrect.

Well it looks like I'll be up to my neck in paperwork again tonight.
Although it's not so bad sleeping rough when it's the summer.

The Curiosity Rover has just found a toilet with the seat up, proving once and for all that men ARE actually from Mars.

They say don't judge a book by its cover but the employees at Waterstones get really angry when I read the book first

I can see why geeks regard Stephen Hawking as a God.
He does move in mysterious ways.

"If you can't beat them. Join Them"
This statement always rings true.
For instance, you never see a man in the kitchen.
Because a man can always beat a woman.

They say no pain no gain... Didn't work when my Uncle lost his leg...

They say 'no news is good news.'
Not if you want to watch the News.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in it, the more wrinkled you get.

Cannibals love a good bargain.
If you offered a cannibal a buy-one-get-one-free he'd bite your hand off.

Quite often I just go into the street tuck myself into a ball and do roly-polys all the way to the corner. Sorry, if that seems too urban for you guys but that's the way I roll.

They say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'.
They're right, ever since I left my wife, I've never been happier.

I tell you who I don't get.
Big breasted, blonde nymphomaniacs with bags of cocaine knocking on my door.

I'm told women hate their men to be 'all show and no trousers'.
Odd.
That's exactly how I like my women.

Since I stopped blowing my own trumpet, I've become the world champion at hide and seek.

When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong - or absolutely right.

Great!! I've just discovered the number of wrongs that make a right!

When a hipster tree falls in a forest, it makes a sound, but you probably haven't heard it before.

I had a flute recital today.
I blew it.

My mum was a firm believer in the phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it."
Needless to say, I had some depressing birthday parties.

The strip of cloth used to make a Turban is 16m long.
Why is probably why the phrase ''I'll eat my hat'' never really caught on with Sikhs.

Wouldn't going 'behind somebody's back' be doing it in front of them?

Living with my wife there is never a dull moment.
It's a continuous one.

How many mechanics does it take to change a Lightbulb?..
About 70...Judging by the amount they charge you.