Where does the bad light end up?

When you say to a woman;
heaven must be missing an angel.
Are you not just saying you should be dead politely?

I've just moved in with my significant other, who is black.
It's true what they say; once you go black, you can't get credit.

If dogs die in hot cars, why do they lay next to the fire?

I saw a frozen metal pole and wrote on it the reason why I do bad things.
Then my perversions took hold of me and I just couldn't help but lick it.
Thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

I was telling my friend yesterday how I found Mt. Everest in my back garden.
He thinks im making a mountain out of a mole hill.

'' Any bloke can have a child but it takes a REAL MAN to be a dad ''
It's true you know, blokes tend to be stronger than children, they're easily overpowered so you really do have your pick of the bunch.
Dunno about the other bit...

My wifes motto is "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean"
Which might be why her luxury cruise liner business failed.

North, East, South, West.
An excellent way to remind yourself never to eat shredded wheat.

There's two sides to every story.
MINE... and the truth.

I slept like a baby last night.
To be honest, I am only 2

Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

I hear the secret to a good joke is perfect timing.
00:09

Confucius say: "Woman who sit on judge's lap get honourable discharge"

I'm as honest as the day is long.....
...in Iceland....
...at Christmas.

My wife was going away for the weekend, and as she left she kissed me on the cheek and said: "Be Good".
As she closed the door, I chuckled under my breath; "While the cats away, the mice can play."
I spent all weekend playing with my pet mice. It was lovely.

"Bye, take care."
I'm glad you said that 'cause I was planning on driving home blind folded.

My deaf mute brother went on a rampage in a supermarket today,killing 13.
Its always the quiet ones.

'Love thy neighbour as thyself.'
Which is why I feel the need to allow my neighbours to listen to my music when I do.

Never tell a woman that she is over-reacting.....
She'll only over-react

Following Government cuts, please note that on Christmas Day in the morning you will only see two ships come sailing in.

A loving smile from my wife is like sunshine on a rainy day.
Nowhere to be seen.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Then its fun and games that someone can't see.

Laughter is the best medicine, which is why I am no longer a doctor

You know what they say, you never forget your first!
Unless you repress it like I did.
Uncle Tom was so rough....