Sayings Joke

My father always said neither a borrower nor a lender be.
That's why he was fired from the mortgage department
at Natwest.

Sayings Joke

She offered me her ring.
I knew it was just a Tolkien gesture.

Sayings Joke

Does "I love you like a brother" mean the same thing in Mississippi?

Sayings Joke

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you...
Cry and you look like a poof.

Sayings Joke

After our divorce my wife took me to the cleaners.
A lift was the least she could do after being awarded the family car.

Sayings Joke

As an investment I just bought an antique Samurai sword.
If life becomes a struggle it'll be good to have something to fall back on

Sayings Joke

Be Alert
The world needs more lerts

Sayings Joke

An ex turned up from 10 years ago and said she wanted to be a suicide bomber.
Talk about a blast from the past.

Sayings Joke

"Loose lips sink ships"
I don't know about that, but they certainly took down a load of seamen.

Sayings Joke

Bad things always come in threes.
With the exception of The Cheeky Girls.

Sayings Joke

The local kids have taken to calling me "Age"
I'm only 17, but you know what they say, age really creeps up on you

Sayings Joke

Once you go black you'll never go back...to having equal rights.

Sayings Joke

My employee is suing me after he fell off a ladder at work.
This time he went one step too far.

Sayings Joke

Whoever said, "What goes up, must come down", can't have ever encountered my wife's knickers.

Sayings Joke

My grandfather used to always say "Slow and steady wins the race"
He died in a fire

Sayings Joke

I'd be more optimistic if I thought it would help.

Sayings Joke

For months and months I had to put up with the constant sound of my Siamese twin nagging me to give my consent to an operation to separate us.
In the end I agreed to it just to get him off my back.

Sayings Joke

"The postman always rings twice."
...A year if he works for Royal Mail.

Sayings Joke

Popularity is what people strive for when they lack the strength to be themselves.

Sayings Joke

My parents told me the truth last night, it wasn't curiosity that killed my cat, it was lung cancer.

Sayings Joke

I come from a broken home.
By masturbating at my broken window.

Sayings Joke

Every rule has an exception.
Except for this one.

Sayings Joke

I used to think outside the box.
Now i just make the box bigger.

Sayings Joke

Horse drawn carriages.
It's not the whinnying, it's the taking cart.

Sayings Joke

My house is burglar-proof; I've painted it with 1's, 2's, 3's and 4's.
Safety in numbers.