Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Except when selling bootleg DVDs.

A plausible excuse for the bruises a day keeps the doctor and social services away.

I've just solved the age old problem of what to buy someone who has everything.
Nothing.

I was in Asda this afternoon, and picked up a copy of The Complete Fast Show on DVD for a tenner.
Which was nice.

I have a teenage lad who works for me, he just phoned up and said that he is sick.
I'm not sure if he's not coming in tonight or just big-headed.

I always remember what my mum used to say to me; "Don't pick that up; you don't know where its been." It always sticks in my mind when I walk into a singles bar.

My wife is so paranoid she thinks "Internet Banking" is my own private rhyming slang!
Although in fairness, I did use the term to explain why I had a 35 minute shower.

I tried to teach my grandmother to suck eggs...
Which is why I'm banned from the fertility clinic.

I take everything with a grain of salt. Not because I'm skeptic, I just have a severe sodium addiction.

is it me or do the people of norfolk take the saying 'keep it in the family' to seriously.

"See a penny and pick it up, and all the day you'll have good luck",
Said the Jew.

I've got a kitchen sink for sale, 50.
Would suit anyone who has everything.

The wife and I just watched Hamlet at the local theatre and the stage was lined with pages from the dictionary.
I thought, "That was a lovely play on words."

Slow and steady wins the race.. Unless your in a fire.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

I've been making a perfume laced with methamphetamine.
Speed is of the essence.

Visited a fortune teller yesterday and it really didnt go too well.
Got chased down the road with her screaming after me.
Could have sworn she said Cross my palm with saliva.

Apparently you can't have your cake and eat it too.
Try telling that to an American...

Who coined the term....coined the term?

Since when did bull faeces become so untrustworthy?

I love the old saying:
"Black sky at night - It's night
Black sky in the morning - I've woken up at night again"

I think 'Step on a crack, break your mothers back' is true.
Being a 20 stone man, I stepped on my frail old mothers crack and her back definitely broke.

If only the good die young, should I be afraid of my 100-years-old grandmother?

If at first you don't succeed, call it third time lucky. That way at least you won't be deemed a failure quite so soon

If I had a penny for everytime I picked up a penny, I'd have the same amount of money as I have now