I call my wife Medusa.
Every time I look at her I want to get stoned.

They say dead men tell no tales.
Thank god neither do dead women.

We just had our quarterly results.
Once again, hotcakes seem to be outselling all other products.

Found a 6 foot giant teddy bear with a key in its back, left against my front door this morning.
I thought this has got to be a wind-up, surely?

I told my girlfriend I'm hoping we'll hear the pitter patter of tiny feet very soon.
I don't think she's going to be quite as excited when she finds out i've aranged a threesome with a dwarf

I hate 21st century Britain.
We live in a blame culture.
I demand to know who's responsible.

BBC News : 'Public dig deep for Pudsey Bear.'
About 6 feet should do it.

My mate told me that I don't know how to use common sayings properly
I laughed because that was the funniest thing since sliced bread

Lady Gaga says 'Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun'...
it's called sitting

I had a one night stand with a stewardess on a budget airline last night.
Easy come easy go.

I used to have bad luck with my DJ'ing equipment.
But now, finally, the tables have turned.

I've certainly got my eye on the ball...
Last time I go to an orgy in a telephone box.

I'm a man of strong moral principles, and always say that violence is not the answer.
Violence is the question. The answer is yes.

You are what you eat
I don't remember eating a paedophile recently..

I looted a 55 inch telly in the London riots last summer.
Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I like to see the bigger picture.

Carrot flavoured body lotion: that'll put hares on your chest.

I think this girl at work has a thing for me.
A restraining order.

They say opposites attract.
If that is true, I should be with a slim super-model, who is great in bed.

If I had a pound every time I needed a pound, I'd never need a pound.

The other day my Nan asked me to be a dear and make her a cup of tea...
So I put on a pair of antlers and got hit by a car
and then I made tea.

I firmly believe in the saying - 'girls spit, women swallow.'
Therefore, if they're under 16 and swallow, does that clear me of paedophilia?

Why do they say 'Amen' at the end of a prayer instead of 'Awomen'?
The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers.

'You are what you eat.'
I hope not, I've just ordered an Indian.

They say even a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day.
Not mine, the hands are missing.

Sky News: 'Boy found dead in a tumble dryer'
At least Washing Machines live longer with Carl Gone