The early bird catches the worm.
Good luck to him, I'm having a bacon sandwich.

As my father used to say, if you're good at something, don't do it for free, which is why I'm on the dole.

Tubby or not tubby.
Fat is the question

Money can't buy you happiness.
But it can buy you drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

They say if you can't beat them, join them.
But the girl guides won't let me do either.

Safety lies in the knowledge that you are the craziest person in the room.

I walked into the kitchen and my missus and all her friends were crying their eyes out, As I looked down to the floor I saw there was milk everywhere.
I thought, whats the point?

My father worked with iron, and his father before him.
It's in my blood.

I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour.
My teacher said I was the perfect roll model.

I'd like to get one thing straight:
My son.

Someone told me that I'm too easily impressed.
I think that was an absolutely amazing observation!

My wife's been around the block a few times.
I cut the brake pipes on her car last night.

I'm beginning to wonder if time really is a healer.
It's been 3 days since my wife fell down stairs and she hasn't moved once yet.

There's a saying ' Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.'
Never knew what this meant until I heard the screams from the garden.

No point crying over spilt milk, could be worse ...Could be beer.

Why is it always a half-naked body?
Why not a half-clothed body?
Some people are too negative.

I can never concentrate on anything unless I give my body a little shake but have no idea why.
I shudder to think.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Give a man a poisoned fish - problem solved.

Good things come to those who...
(Will post rest of joke in 1 year)

My little brother was born with a rare medical condition which means his arms are where his legs should be and his eyes are in the side of his head.
He cant really help round the house much, but his hearts in the right place.

My cat's got worms.
Now we'll see just how cunning that Early Bird really is.

I love all the different words americans use for things, but frosting is the icing on the cake

If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.

"All publicity is good publicity", my Dad used to say.
Until I posted his picture all over the village under the caption, "Known paedophile".

Curiosity killed the cat. And my best friend. I should've thought of a better name for my alligator.