There isn't two p's in 'a pod'..

An apple a day means NHS cutbacks.

I was just lying in bed with my new girlfriend and she said she wished I was bigger downstairs.
I don't know what she means. Mines bigger than the average living room.

Don't bite the hand that feeds.
Unless it's Monster Munch.

Doctor doctor I think I'm addicted to looting.
Take a seat.

Baseball.
It's just not cricket.

My dad always told me not to stab people in the back.
I agree completely.
It's much easier to reach their vital organs from the front.

I have to say, hand on my heart, that I'm completely surprised that the doctor didn't sew me back up after the operation.

The hand is quicker than the eye.
Unfortunately, the CCTV camera at my nearest primary school's gates is quicker than both.

The old saying of to cut and run it is said to have come from an old sailors adage.
In an emergency rather than haul up an anchor the sailors would cut the anchor rope then run with the wind.
Its good to see the black youth of Brixton bringing it back: In their own way

My BBQ was ruined by a black man yesterday.
He got all up in my grill.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who talk while I'm interrupting

I was in a pub earlier and there was a topless woman behind the bar.
"I'm the new spirits dispenser," she said, "If I squeeze my left breast you get a shot of vodka."
I said, "Pull the other one, it's got Bells on it."

"What do we want?"
"People to stop saying how weak and pathetic we French are"
"When do we want it?"
"In your own time,its really not an issue and also,sorry for shouting"

There was trouble in my local chippy the other day, when Dwayne Johnson kicked up a fuss about how tough the fish was.
I was caught between The Rock and a hard plaice.

'In for a penny, in for a pounding.'
The new slogan on the local brothel.

Now that so many sites went black today. Do you think they'll ever go back?

I went to an improve your spelling course at the college and on the door it said 'PSUH'
I thought, "Hmm, that's a bad sign."

Two wrongs don't make a right.
Three lefts do.

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."
Try telling that to the owner of the little terrier, down the road, that just had it's throat ripped out by a rottweiler.

Ainsley Harriott has reportedly given up cooking.
Apparently the pots were being very racist about the kettle.

Give a black man a fish and you feed him for day.
Give a black man your fishing rod and you'll never see it again.

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."
Whoever said that has clearly never been the victim of a mum joke.

BBC News: Large fire destroys Hampshire Tesco store.
I went to help the fire service out and threw a cup of water on the fire.
Every little helps.

"You've made the bed, now lie in it"...
is the reason I lost my job as room service.