Sayings Joke

I'd quite like to open a cannabis cafe in Amsterdam, but it'll never happen.
It's just a pipe dream.

Sayings Joke

People who say "It's better to have loved and lost" clearly don't understand the rules of tennis.

Sayings Joke

I went to visit Ryan Giggs at his country retreat last week.
As I was pulling into his drive I caught a glimpse of his horse as it flashed past my car, sprinting away from the stable at top speed.
I ran to the door and shouted, "Come quickly Ryan, we'd better go and catch your horse. It's just bolted".
"Give me a couple of minutes", he replied as he strode out of the house, "I'll just go and close the barn door."

Sayings Joke

All that glitters is not gold. A good example of this is glitter.

Sayings Joke

I've just asked the wife what she wants for her birthday tomorrow and she replied, "To not have any more birthdays!"
Her present's going to be murder!

Sayings Joke

Whoever said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," obviously hasn't called their missus a fat slag.

Sayings Joke

I've got a pessimistic advent calendar this year.
When one door opens, another one closes.

Sayings Joke

"Have it your way" is the Burger King slogan,
Apparently doggy style with the lady on checkout was the wrong interpretation of this.

Sayings Joke

I often have trouble spelling my own address.
"Surrey" seems to be the hardest word.

Sayings Joke

"Never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes."
Unless their shoes are Crocs.

Sayings Joke

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don't make a right.
Tomorrow I'm going to try three.

Sayings Joke

I have no sense of decency.
That way my other senses are enhanced.

Sayings Joke

I've always had a bit of an eye for the ladies.
It's never done me any good though, they tend to be absolutely disgusted when I get it out of my pocket to show them.

Sayings Joke

I tried to get my local chippie interested in selling minnows in batter.
But he said he had bigger fish to fry.

Sayings Joke

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
How about: don't serve food that has less appeal than your own hand?

Sayings Joke

My dad recently had a stroke.
He's coming around and finally starting to see the funny side of it.

Sayings Joke

A friend of mine has been offering me free scuba diving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week.
I'm not going to hold my breath.

Sayings Joke

Most people think that camouflage is the most effective type of army uniform. Personally, I can't see it myself.

Sayings Joke

I said to my housemate, "I saw your better half earlier."
"Oh really?" she replied, "Did he come round here?"
"No" I explained, "I mean I was watching through the keyhole when you got out of the shower."

Sayings Joke

I've been accused of being 'all mouth, no trousers'.
Well, the actual charges are for 'causing a disturbance & indecent exposure on a bus'.

Sayings Joke

I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

Sayings Joke

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't realy mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "it's a boy".

Sayings Joke

If you have nothing nice to say, might as well throw the first punch.

Sayings Joke

The Government is to "Lend a hand" to banks.
The customers at the sperm bank will be relieved.

Sayings Joke

Doorbells.
Don't knock it until you've tried it.