Why does no one ever say 'Did I say that out loud?' after actually having said nothing?
The wife really let her hair down last night.
She dyed it ginger.
My mate is a star.
He had a crash and lost his legs.
Then the shock made him lose his voice.
But does he make a song and dance about it...NO!
My wife said to me today.
"It's typical ain't it, I was lying down to sunbathe then the heavens opened."
I replied, "Well it must be true when they say, if a cow is lying down its going to rain?"
Who said political correctness was counter productive?
"Ethnic cleansing" - Making genocide sound like a good thing since 1994!
Honesty may be the best policy.
But insanity is a better defence.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
"The pen is mightier than the sword."
Oh yeah, when was the last time a Muslim beheaded someone using a Parker?
The advantage of being clever is that you can pretend to be dumb.
The opposite is more difficult.
The price of owning a faulty jetpack is going through the roof.
I'm a peeping tom and windows are my idea of fun.
I asked my wife to grab me a beer from the fridge earlier.
She said, "What did your last slave die of?"
She got stabbed actually. After answering me back and making me wait for my beer.
I have a spring in my step.
It's like a launch pad for Jehovah's Witnesses.
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has clearly never stepped on one.
I don't know who Pete is, but he must be pretty important for everyone to worry about his sake.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun."
Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
"In for a penny, in for a pound," she said.
It was at that point that I realised the girls in the brothel would be pretty rough.
Does anyone know what hot cakes sell like?
Two vital tools in life: WD40 and Gaffa tape. When it doesn't move and should, use the WD40; when it moves and shouldn't, use the gaffa tape.
I remember Thursday like it was yesterday.
Somebody was telling me earlier about the Mayan Calendar and an event predicted to happen on the 21st of
December 2012, but I can't remember what it was.
Oh well, it's not the end of the world.
My gran always used to say that, "No news is good news."
No surprise that she was soon sacked from her job as a journalist.
I fondly recall the time I discovered a cure for Dementia.
Aah...that brings back memories.
Isn't it funny... No matter where you stand in the road, you will always be referred to as "In the middle"