'They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now'

i actually ran over a cat today......9 times!...just to be sure!!

I was walking through the park today and wondered, "why does the frisby get bigger the closer it gets?"
And then I realised due to the curvature of my eye the size of the object depends entirely on the angle between it's most distant points, which decreases with distance, and the frisby from a distance subtends a smaller angle than when up close.
And then I carried on with my walk.

When I hear people sighing that life is so hard, I can't help but think, "Compared to what??"

dispite many threats when I was younger,
I never did have my woe tied.

All work and no play makes Jarek a Polish builder.

I've been working like a black the last few days
Which is probably why I got fired for lack of effort.

I imagine that if you were to cut open an archaeopteryx, it's stomach would be full of worms.
After all, it was the earliest bird.

My wife left me because apparently I talk in irrelevant football cliches.
Talk about a game of two halves.

apparently "better late than never" is not a good thing to say to the teacher when picking your son up 2 days late from school

"Only the good die young"
It's the only reason my mother in law is still with us.

The first rule of Animal Abusers Club is: you do not let the cat out of the bag.

' .. So I decided, If you can't beat them, join them..'
Was not my most popular first post in the 'Lock up all the child abusers' facebook group.

I couldn't believe My Luck...
I've never known a Chinese woman to lie so much.

My parents always told to live each day as if it were my last.
Now I walk around in constant fear of dying.
Cheers mum and dad.

People with big salaries...You gotta give them credit.

everythings all gonna be ok in the end,, if its not ok,, ITS NOT THE END

I know one day Emile Heskey will do something useful with his boots.
And hang them up...

Life is like a box of chocolates,
It's only when it's nearly over you realise it was a mistake ever sharing it with someone

Hand on lung, I know I should've paid attention in Biology.

A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck.
A Camel's toe is considered really good luck.

My Down Syndrome son is going out trick or treating tomorrow. But he won't be dressing up.
Well I guess. 'If you have it, flaunt it'

My neighbour took me on my first fishing trip yesterday, we got all the tackle set up on the riverbank & he said
"can you open me a can of worms?"
I said "Well, i see the milkman go into your house most mornings just after you go to work"
Turns out he was talking about bait or something.

People think I'm weird because I'm addicted to laxatives.
But really I'm just a regular guy.

I was at the cash and carry earlier stocking up on fabric conditioner and was devastated to find I couldn't fit it all in the van.
Luckily the wife was only a phone call away and turned up in the car.
We managed to take some comfort in that.