Those people who say that a short sharp shock treatment, will often do you some good ....
Obviously haven't been mugged by a pigmy, armed with a knife and taser gun.

The unimaginable: you couldn't make it up.

I was watching Don King ordering his contractors to suspend a boxing ring in mid air using four cranes when I suddenly thought to myself...........Hang a bout?

Stephen Hawking is continuing gambling after netting 250,000 in just one week.
Looks like he's on a roll.

You know the old saying, 'You break it, you buy it'?
What if it's in the alcohol section and you're underage?

My Dad taught my sister that women should be 'seen and not heard'...
Probably why she had such a hard time getting a job in Radio.

I bought a canary but after a few weeks it was getting really big so I took it to the vets. I was shocked when he said, "It looks like someone has been giving it steroids."
You could have knocked me down with a feather.

So far I've hit an old lady, a young boy that was making a sand castle and a fit blonde that was sunbathing.
I live just a stones throw from the beach.

My neighbour thinks he's so great, I decided to demolish his washing line.
That knocked him down a peg or two.

My wife said she was thinking of taking up art lessons.
I said,"You'd be good at that."
She seemed surprised by my support and said," Really?"
I said," Yeah, you're good at drawing the wrong conclusion."

Wouldn't it be more appropriate if the saying "American as apple pie" was updated to "American as obesity"?

Free advice is usually wrong but don't take my word for it.

Live each day like it's your last...
Eventually you'll get it right.

My mate asked me today to tell him something short and constructive.
So I replied Bob the Builder.

Can't believe how many suicide bombers there are these days.
They're all over the place.

"It's all smoke and mirrors ..."
I thought, after my budgie's cage caught fire.

Cocaine, God's way of telling you that you earn too much

People have always told me I'd end up working in Tesco & I must have believed it, 'cos now I do.
My mate says it's a shelf-for-filling prophecy.

My old Grandma always used to say, "There's no fool like an old fool."
I have to disagree, I've always prefered one that's still within it's use by date.

I took part in a worst manicure contest last night.
The finish was nail biting.

They say savour the small things in life.
Could someone tell my wife that?

Gravity just doesn't float my boat.

I never make the
same mistake twice. I make it 5
or 6 times, just to be sure..

'Its not about winning, its the taking part that counts' - The National Lottery

If at first you don't succeed, consider a career in politics instead.