"You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and can't get it out? OK, now imagine the song is a tumour."
--Insensitive Doctor

Thought: Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Shoplifting from River Island?
Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt

My optician told me I was colour-blind yesterday.
That was a bolt from the yellow.

Behind every successful woman there is a bloke who has just told her how to do it 3 times.

Never judge a book by its cover.
Use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Apparently the Chuckle Brothers have only just finished opening their Christmas presents.
The labelling was, once again, a nightmare.

I've just moved into my new flat and directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I'm above the law.

I saw a flock of baby flamingo chicks being really naughty today.
I think the parents need to put their foot down.

The wife always says, "Treat others as you would like to be treated by them."
And yet when I slip my hand in her best mates knickers, I'm in the wrong...

Friends are like potatoes: if you eat them, they die.

Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

A woman is like a game of pool. It's game over once the black's gone in.

My friend said he's going to set a new standard in pubs by opening one on the top of a mountain.
Personally, I think he's raised the bar too high.

My mate has invented a new hobby called "blindfold plane watching".
Can't see it taking off.

'With great power comes a great electricity bill.'

'Crime never pays'
Unless of course, you steal money.

I've been thinking... If poison goes out of date, does it become more or less deadly?

My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner.
But someone let the cat out of the bag.

As I pointed the gun at the baby, I decided to add to the dramatic atmosphere.
I said, "Any first words?"

Dwarves are often born with an extra toe.
It's a little gnome fact.

Those that say 'As one door closes, another one opens' have clearly never seen an episode of Takeshi's Castle

My Chinese mate always tells the truth.
Believe Yu-Mi, he never lies.

I've learnt so much from my mistakes, I'm actually thinking about making a few more.

After a day in the sun, sea and sand with my wife, it ended in the best way possible.
She drowned.