My mum had a party at her house last night. I went into the kitchen at one point to find her with her tongue down her new boyfriend's throat. I said, "Get a broom."
She said, "Don't you mean 'Get a room'?"
I said, "No. I've dropped some Monster Munch on your new carpet."

I've just seen a lesbian beating her partner...
you can tell who wears the dungarees in their relationship.

My dad came down to breakfast dressed as a matador.
I think he was having a seor moment.

I've invented a new Jet that has the ability to travel on water without the need for Fuel.
I just need to find out a way to build it, and the rest is plane sailing

I hate to say it but my wife was right.
I was the death of her.

I was at my local watering hole the other day when I thought to myself,
"Maybe this move to Ethiopia wasn't right for me..."

Me and my wife have a bun in the oven.
And by 'bun' I mean 'baby'.
And by 'in the oven' I mean 'in the oven'.

Need to let your cats out of the house without opening the back door?
There's a flap for that.

I was on my way into work and a mate gave me a lift.
No use to me, I live in a bungalow.

I've seen an Ethiopian on TV eating a full bowl of rice.
Bless him. His eyes are bigger than his belly.

I've been trying to buy a deaf sheepdog for 18 months now, and finally I managed to purchase one today.
They're very hard to come by.

I was brought up to respect my elders so if an old man gives me 100 thinking I'm his nephew, then by God I'll respect that decision.

You've got to spend money to make money.
One of the biggest dilemmas for a Jew.

If my wife falls down in the kitchen, and no one is around to hear it...
Does that mean I get away with it?

I was looking everywhere for my FIFA 10 and eventually found it at the back of my TV cabinet.
It was above and beyond the Call of Duty.

I spent all my wages on bottles of aftershave, and now I can't afford food for the rest of the month.
I have more scents than money.

My wife's just nipped out.
She really needs to get a new bra.

It was a customer who said "The customer is always right".
This is easily deduced from the fact it's wrong.

I let the cat out the bag earlier, just to tease it though, it still wasn't getting out the pool with concrete around its legs.

Who ever has their cake and doesn't eat it?

It takes 2 to tango. Unless you're stronger ?

Why do women have larger hips than men?
To balance the washing basket on.

My mum always taught me that pointing was rude.
Probably why the only friend ET could make was ten.

`Opposites attract. Like magnets,' says the wife.
Then why has the north pole gone as far as it possibly can to get away from the south pole.

It's been a really busy this week, I've been reading about and experimenting with recreational drugs from A to Z.
Finally, I'm up to Speed.