I learnt a very important lesson over Christmas. It doesn't matter what gifts you get..
Because nothing will please her.

Where did I go on holiday?
What am I doing on holiday?
What's the weather like?
Answers on a postcard...

My Parrot is naked, upset and 5.50 richer.
Who raffled his feathers?

Top tip:
It's not who you know that's important; it's how your wife found out.

No security cameras or store detectives, ideal for a spot of shoplifting...
... That's why single mums go to Iceland.

I worry about my 90 year old Nan. If she's alone in the house, and falls over...
...Does she make a sound?

They say you should never go to sleep on an empty stomach.
After last night, I agree. A bed is a lot comfier.

I've been thinking about getting my wife a present for her birthday.
I've heard that counts.

Curiosity didnt kill the cat, it just got it pregnant.

I believe in life after death.
My wife's just died and my life's just beginning.

All I ask is for someone to give me enough money to prove it cannot buy me happiness.

"2 is company, 3's a crowd" Noah explained to the animals.

If men say, "There are plenty more fish in the sea", do women say, "There are plenty more fisherman"?

I once said to my son, 'You never get anything in life for free'.
He laughed at me and said, 'What about that piece of advice you idiot!'
So I went over and took his wheelchair.

They say attack is the best form of defence.
Although I'm not completely sure that I needed to 'defend' myself against that 80 year old disabled woman.

You know that look women give you when they want you?
Nah, me either.

A dog is not just for Christmas.
Unless you're as skint as me and can't afford a turkey.

Veni, Vidi, Visa:
I came, I saw, I shopped.

I was told that I define the saying "Ignorance is bliss".
I don't understand what they're on about.
Doesn't matter, I'm happy just the way I am.

People always say to me, "You need to think outside the box!"...
Which is not easy when you're an agoraphobic tramp.

The women in work said I should get in touch with my feminine side.
So I've just phoned my twin sister.

Beware the witching hour!
In other words; when the Americans are online!

You know what they say... laughter is the best medicine.
I've struggled for 2 years now not to crack a joke since the wife got Cancer.

They say "Smoking can seriously harm your unborn child"
I personally find a coathanger far more effective.

Just woke my wife up by slapping the tops of her inner thighs.
She hates me beating around the bush.