No one likes to be taken for a mug. So I'm going into hospital to have the handle removed from my side, as a precaution.

"Well, he seems to have his heart in the right place"
Is always best heard from a doctor.

People say that every dog has its day. How right they are. We got a dog for Christmas, got bored with it and had it put down on Boxing Day.

Time is a great healer.
Well the injuries I received after quoting this on the cancer ward are starting to get better.

The line most commonly used by cancer victims:
Hair today, gone tomorrow!

My Grandad always used to say, 'Every day above ground is a good day'.
He wasn't an optimist, he was a very depressed coalminer.

If anyone tells you South Africa is a good place to go on holiday, don't believe them..
It's a Durban myth.

The saying "you are what you eat" is used a lot these days so am I right in thinking that if you tried eating a frenchman, you'd give up halfway?

I've just broke two of the knuckles on my righthand.
I really shouldn't hit the bottle.

"People tell me that my personality is divided. I don't think so, but maybe it is."

Surely it is time for the old saying "best thing since sliced bread" to be replaced with "the best thing since in private browsing".

"Church synod allows women bishops "
Puts an all new emphasis on bashing the bishop.

I tried to teach my grandmother how to suck eggs, I gave up when I could not get the lid off her coffin.

Money can't buy you happyness, unless you buy drugs.

An Insomnia patient was describing to me for hours on end all about how the lack of sleep made his brain ache.
I replied, 'Just give it a rest, will you?'

My geography teacher wasn't happy when he caught me smothering his globe with cheese.
You could cut the atmosphere with a knife.

My friend came running over to me today, shouting;
"I've been given tomorrow night's lottery numbers!!"
"Who told you?" I asked.
"A conker, with a long grey beard and a walking stick," he answered.
"Oooh that old chestnut," I replied.

My hairs really stuck up.
That's a private education for you.

I wrote the book on learning to read.
We sold twelve copies.

I offered my ex-wife a shoulder to cry on after she was diagnosed with cancer but she refused.
I forgot she doesn't like lamb.

Combine Harvesters.
Separating the wheat from the chaff.

I got fired from my job at the chicken farm today.
I told my boss that I put 1632 eggs in the incubator.
How was I supposed to know I shouldn't count them?

My mate who works for the RSPCA was telling me about a new scheme that they have set up to counter animal cruelty. Apparently anyone who is cruel to animals is forced to do work for them. Ironic how they killed two birds with one stone like that.

I have a fetish for watching fat women getting pushed down the stairs.
The bigger they fall, the harder I come.

Vampire teenager: ''Dad, if you won't let me go out I'll simply wait for you to fall asleep.''
Vampire dad: ''That'll be the day.''