I gave my wife some potatoes, mince and vegetables yet all she did was moan!
She made a right meal of it.

Things like 'Better late than never' are sometimes better left unsaid.
Imagine the look on the poor kids face when you coin that phrase at an Ethiopian buffet.

Told my wife "christmas is just round the corner" and the daft cow's gone looking for it.

Knowledge is power. France is Bacon.

The wife is like a box of chocolates, you always know what you're gonna get.

I am feeling politely confrontational today. Would anyone care for a piece of me?

My mate took a tumble the other day.
I don't know how he managed it, but he needed something to dry his clothes in.

You scratch my back and I'll... probably have to lay low til the police conclude their DNA profiling.

A bloke came up to me earlier and said "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth."
These graverobbers were never any good at bartering.

A little bird told me, that my Schizophrenia is getting out of hand.

Slinky: it really puts a spring on your step

If God blessed the American Dollar so much, how come he sold it to the Chinese?

I'm not tired,
I'm just trying to start a yawn trail.

I hate those sayings that use examples to emphasise how bad they are.
They're as much use as a pedal-powered wheelchair!!

Why don't girls take me seriously?
Looks like I have a spare ticket to the gun show.

At my funeral, I want the the vicar to say "in the end, the risk far outweighed the chocolate biscuit".

Always look on the dark side of life
It's much easier on the eyes

I used to juggle two jobs. I'm still a street performer, but for some reason I was sacked from the grenade factory.

My sister always dreamt of the day when she'd be whisked off her feet.
Though she screamed when she fell into the vat at the meringue factory.

The USA have been responsible for the creation of the atomic bomb, demolition derbies and expensive satellites used to search for aliens. It just goes to show, the Americans have a long history of making nothing out of something.

My wife said she was at a loose end.
So I tightened her noose.

My neighbour asked if he could borrow some snow from my snowman.
I just gave him the cold shoulder.

If first impressions count, you're best doing what I do and sticking to Dustin Hoffman in 'Rain Man'.

When a punter in an Amsterdam nightclub insults a hooker for downing two shots of a green liqueur in short order, she knocks him out cold with one punch.
'Aahh', I thought, 'absynth makes the tart grow stronger'

If an infinite number of monkeys were given typewriters...
...it would go some way to reducing the unemployment figures.