Twitter is like internet autism. You start out thinking you're going to be as popular as everyone else, but by the end of it you're talking to yourself.

My girlfriend's eating for two.
I stood her up at the restaurant.

To say the least,
.

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
That's why I don't get out of bed until the kebab shop opens.

before the drawingboard was invented, what did they go back to?

My mate used to be bad tempered about everything until I hit him with a spade one day.
Now he's quite level-headed.

The other day I was struggling to think of new ideas for a book I'm writing, I sat thinking for ages when suddenly a light just switched on in my brain.
It didn't do much to help, I'm now stuck deciding whether to see a doctor or an electrician.

Apparently, "third time lucky" isn't what you should say when someone asks, "Are you happy with your second wife?"

I just seen the headline:
"Baby's body found at waste site."
I spose its just as the saying goes; 'One mans rubbish is another mans treasure'.

Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?

If you get an infinite number of rednecks shooting at an infinite number of road signs with an infinite number of guns, eventually one of them will come up with the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

If a tree falls in a forest and no-one is around, is the deforestation problem really that bad?

I don't know why the police are called pigs.
It's not like I've ever wanted to beat a pig to death.

I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face but he got very angry.
You shouldn't cover a judge by his book.

I always make sure that I won't scald myself in the bath by dipping a baby's elbow in beforehand.

The oldest saying that I know is, "laughter is the best medicine".
It was obviously written before the discovery of alcohol.

I havent got any skeletons in my closet.
I prefer to preserve my victims in formaldehyde.

My mate Leroy asked me, "How tall would you say I am?"
I thought for a minute or two and said, "5'5 mate".
Just then he pulled out a knife and stabbed me.
It just goes to show, my mum was right, "Never under estimate a black man."

My wife says that I live my life "Like a candle in the wind."
Apparently, it's because I go out a lot.

They say, if you stare into a mirror without blinking eventually you will see the devil.
I find it works just as well, looking at a picture of my wife.

If I ever win the lottery...
I'll be amazed, because I don't play it.

I've started working for a company that produces Punch and Judy shows.
I made a few suggestions to modernise the show, using new technology and cgi,
Unfortunately the boss likes to pull all the strings.

If Winston Churchill were alive today, I wonder what he would make of British Bankers?
"Never have so few taken so much from so many."

..'and the truth shall set you free...' - unless you really did kill them..

I was told by me boss that I'm the best steeplejack that he's ever employed.
But I'm not going to shout from the rooftops about it.