So, scientists in Newcastle have managed to synthasize human sperm.
Come again?

uTorrent and kids.
I'm a regular seeder with both.

I was in the botanical gardens and saw an unusual tree which had lots of Israeli children playing in it. Turned out to be a juniper bush.

Went into the kitchen last night and my grandmother was there wearing a cow girl outfit and jumping up and down on the stove.
I said to her "Get off the cooker Grandma you're too old to ride the range".

I thought that I'd never be able to take a stool sample from my reluctant colostomised patient.
In the end I managed to pull it out of the bag at the last minute.

I've just put the finishing touch to five thousand hamburgers.
I've always relished a challenge.

I had an appointment at the opticians today, but I was too busy to make it on time.
So I rang up and told the doctor I couldn't see him.

I got fired from my job as an investment banker the other day.
I guess what they say is true, Goldman Sachs.

My crazy wife dresses her garden gnomes up like supermodels.
The one's called Gnomi Campbell.

Due to falling profits the company Fairy has gone into Liquidation.

I think my pumpkin really enjoys Halloween. Every Halloween weekend his face always lights up!

I went to the weigh in for the Haye vs Harrison fight.
But the door was locked

If you like fish, then you shoulda put herring on it.

I was fired from my Job with 'The News of The World' for racist behaviour when reporting on the expected re-collaboration of Cheryl Cole and Will.I.Am
To be fair, the headline "Spades dig Cole" should have been right up their street...

She was only a welder's daughter.
She had acetylene legs.

I used to own a banana costume but it split.

I applied for a job as a Child Psychologist but apparently I'm too old.

A mate told me "you are what you eat".
That does explain why I'm scared all the time...

I used to have a job underground, but never mined.

Superlatives are the best thing in the world.

What do you call a fish that's fallen over?
Carpsized.

I grew up in an Orphanage.
It was nothing to write home about.

I booted a spastic in the face the other day.
I just love to kick things when they're down.

There'll be trouble from a little country in the Middle East soon.
Just Kuwait and see.

As an athlete it is very important that I condition myself right for the up coming olympics.
My hair is going to look amazing.