Finding someone who can cook the perfect steak without undercooking or thoroughly burning it...
Rare.

I try and live my life by three simple motto's:
1) 'You only live once"
2) "Better safe than sorry"
3) "Never contradict yourself"

My wife gave me a lecture about my obsession with mythical creature puns.
It didn't half Dragon.

I fed the cat dog food yesterday...
... woke up this morning and he looked a bit Rough.

My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.
She just couldn't Bear it...
So she Swanned off...
And took the Kids...
Well at least I no longer have to listen to her keep rabbiting on...

"I'm just going shopping, do you need anything?" asked the wife.
"Just some toilet rolls love".
"What kind? Andrex, Charmin, Tesco's own brand?"
"The bog standard" I replied

my mate was laughing as i have paronomasiaphobia, but he has logophobia so he cant talk

My wife left me because my obsession with handing out food.
"Look that's seven chocolates you've given out, when will you stop?"
"After Eight?"

My love for you is like diarrhea...
I just can't hold it in.

Ever since my houseboat capsized between Norfolk and Lincolnshire all my clothes have been in the wash.

A friend of mine has taken to wearing a horse's tack attached to his trousers. I told him, 'That's a bit below the belt.'

And then 15 officers were running after me down the alleyway.
Sorry, I like to cut to the chase

Nuts are so pricey these days.
They cost an almond a leg.

Went out to buy some dough mixture the other day, it's how I roll.

I'm at the start of the alphabet, it's hard to see why.

Never trust a nerd in bed, the only protection he uses is norton anti-virus

I seen some doctors and nurses out jogging
two days before the annual medical staff
half marathon.
It must have been a practice run.

Seen a play put on by a homeless theatre group last night.
It was a poor show.

I was watching the game the other day, and the commentator shouted "What a fantastic ball!"
But I'm not sure why he was getting so excited, it looked like a standard football to me.

I took the cap off the toothpaste.
In my defence it looked ridiculous, it doesn't even have a head

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

I saw the moon landing for the first time yesterday.
I wonder who was flying it.

Why did the Russian destroy a car?
Vodka?

In my job I often feel like I'm being walked all over, guess that should be expected when you work on a shop floor

My wife just told me she was in town and saw a chicken crossing the road
I said to her "you must be joking"