Ebay accounts are Forbidden.

I feel like puns on footballers' names are getting quite old now.
I mean, they're just so Clichy

Once you've seen one rugby joke, you've seen a maul.

I had an out of body experience yesterday.
I was completely beside myself.

I am permanently hooked up to a device which gives me an electric shock if I say something negative.
It's not ideal, but I can't complain

I was walking down a street in Paris when a guy gave me a bunch of small onions for free.
So I said, "Thank shallot"

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

My girlfriend came up to me in floods of tears, and said "I've got bad news, I missed my period"
"Shoulda recorded it then" I said.

Sometimes pregnancy lasts so long it seems like a maternity.

Uncle Ben found dead.
No more Mr Rice guy.

Whilst touring in Alaska, I thought I saw an eye doctor on one of the islands.
But it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

I went for surgery.
"Surgery" being the operative word.

The telegraph.
Yeah, I'd tap that.

Looking after my kid is proving to be expensive.
I've just had to buy a baby monitor, for crying out loud.

This man was about to throw dough, cheese and tomatoes at me.
I said, "You wanna pizza me?"

Ronnie O'Sullivan was showing me a trick-shot earlier.
He said, "Pick a pocket"
So I nicked his chalk.

What happens if you swallow uranium?
You get atomic ache.

I spent a year breeding rabbits.
It was a hare raising experience.

Do deaf mathematicians speak in sine language?

Prague [x]
River Vltava [x]
St Vitus Cathedral [x]
Loket [x]
That is my Czech list.

Some guy came up to me in the street today and said "God, you look odd."
I replied "Well, so do you."
Guess that made us even.

What do you call a baby sheep between two sheets of plastic? Lambinated.

What's black and deformed?
My F5 key.

What do you call a Scottish lady who comes round and decorates your bathroom?
Bonnie Tiler.

I walked into the kitchen and found the words "You will die" spelt out in really old coins
It was a shilling message