Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it...
You can say that again...

The average ghost is mean spirited.

I tried going out with a faulty computer mouse once, but it just didn't click.

I started my job as a sleeping bag tester.
I'm really starting to get into it.

I'm going to stork using wading bird puns from heron.

What do you call the most annoying dinosaur ever?
A Vuvuzilla.

Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

I can only get a hard-on when a girl dresses up in my favourite Star Wars costume.
I've got a Boba Fettish.

I can't stand piercings, they go right through me.

When the world's shortest woman landed at my local airport, I was centimetre.

The outside of my house was looking shabby. So I added a pier and two old donkeys.
That should Brighton it up!

I'm rehearsing for a play about botox.
Going through the lines in my head.

I keep having visions where I run after the perfect plumbing system
I should stop before I end up chasing a pipe dream

My boss told me to make a film about something which holds paper together.
Unfortunately, I only showed him a few clips.

Just finished reading the yellow pages. It was ok but had way too many characters.

I was asked recently if I'd like to join a band, as they could really do with my finger snapping technique for the choruses.
I told them I wasn't interested in joining their clique.

When I met my ex-wife, we were both students, and she told me she was studying astronomy.
"Intelligent girl, this," I thought, and married her.
After we married and she got fat and ugly, I realised I must have misheard. She'd said "gastronomy".

This bloke in the pub said "I remember you! You sold me that broken alarm clock two months ago."
It didn't ring a bell.

My local supermarket had a 'GIANT SALE' on this weekend.
I bought 4... Not sure where to put them, though.

I was enjoying a hot bowl of soup yesterday when my girlfriend walked in and asked me:
"How's your soup honey"
"It's, soup-er duper" Came my witty reply...
I am currently single.

My girlfriend left me because I make too many bad puns and too much Indian food.
I guess I goat curry'd away...

Luis Suarez needn't worry, Evra thing is gonna be alright.

After Eights are mint.

I was going to shave my beard off, but then decided to give it Amish.

I dumped my blind girlfriend of 2 years by text message.
She didnt seeing it coming.