Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it...
You can say that again...
The average ghost is mean spirited.
I tried going out with a faulty computer mouse once, but it just didn't click.
I started my job as a sleeping bag tester.
I'm really starting to get into it.
I'm going to stork using wading bird puns from heron.
What do you call the most annoying dinosaur ever?
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I can only get a hard-on when a girl dresses up in my favourite Star Wars costume.
I've got a Boba Fettish.
I can't stand piercings, they go right through me.
When the world's shortest woman landed at my local airport, I was centimetre.
The outside of my house was looking shabby. So I added a pier and two old donkeys.
That should Brighton it up!
I'm rehearsing for a play about botox.
Going through the lines in my head.
I keep having visions where I run after the perfect plumbing system
I should stop before I end up chasing a pipe dream
My boss told me to make a film about something which holds paper together.
Unfortunately, I only showed him a few clips.
Just finished reading the yellow pages. It was ok but had way too many characters.
I was asked recently if I'd like to join a band, as they could really do with my finger snapping technique for the choruses.
I told them I wasn't interested in joining their clique.
When I met my ex-wife, we were both students, and she told me she was studying astronomy.
"Intelligent girl, this," I thought, and married her.
After we married and she got fat and ugly, I realised I must have misheard. She'd said "gastronomy".
This bloke in the pub said "I remember you! You sold me that broken alarm clock two months ago."
It didn't ring a bell.
My local supermarket had a 'GIANT SALE' on this weekend.
I bought 4... Not sure where to put them, though.
I was enjoying a hot bowl of soup yesterday when my girlfriend walked in and asked me:
"How's your soup honey"
"It's, soup-er duper" Came my witty reply...
I am currently single.
My girlfriend left me because I make too many bad puns and too much Indian food.
I guess I goat curry'd away...
Luis Suarez needn't worry, Evra thing is gonna be alright.
After Eights are mint.
I was going to shave my beard off, but then decided to give it Amish.
I dumped my blind girlfriend of 2 years by text message.
She didnt seeing it coming.