My mate was trying to convince me that there are these islands way out in the Atlantic which are technically part of Britain.
"No way," I said, "that's just Scilly."

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I went to the doctors and he said I was in the early stages of heart disease.
I took it with a pinch of salt.

I work at the Royal Mint and, to be honest, I make a lot of money.

My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction before I got carried away.

Anybody else listen to Radio 1?
I wish they had told us that Radio 1's big weekend was on. They haven't mentioned it once in the last two weeks.

Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?
Revenge! The road had crossed him the week before.

I took my dog to a car showroom today.
I turned to him and said, "They have an interesting Range Rover."

I invented the upside down house.
It's now a top cellar.

My 5yr old son was expelled from school for race crime......he used blu tac on his egg and spoon.

Vanish...
Very much like a van.

I had a camera and, whenever I photographed people, they came out looking bald-headed...it was then I realised that I was using Kojak film.

Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat.
They smell a bit but at least they're free.

Support your local search and rescue squad. Get lost

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

I'm a great bird handler, my technique is impeccable.

I had a candlelit dinner the other night.
Everything was really undercooked.

I used to be a huge fan of Robocop and now I've just been fitted with a robotic leg.
Oh the iron knee.

I put ham and pineapple into a bap today.
Because that's Hawaii roll.

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.
I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.
I must say I'm inclined to agree.

I'm making a show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone.
Star Key and Hash

I covered myself from head to toe in mirrors today.
I don't really know why, maybe I'm just at that age where you do a lot of reflecting...

Where do people from Senegal drive?
In Dakar

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat Minor.