Just bought some vacant land. Not sure how much it is, but I know it's a lot

Arabia's got talent.
Their performances will blow you away.

Why did Ian Paisley carry a pushbike under his arm?
He was holding a Raleigh

Modesty is a very attractive quality.
One that I don't need.

Oxy-moron: Someone who abuses their right to breathe oxygen eg. Katie Price

"It aint over till the fat lady sings"
I take it whoever coined that phrase was at a Kerry Katona book signing.

I've got the opticians tomorrow.
That's something to look forward to.

A milk jug says to a sugar bowl "Hey, shall we see which one of us can hold the most coffee?"
And the sugar bowl says "No way mate, that's a mug's game".

My friend tried to explain to me what 'aposeopesis' is, but unfortunately he...

Today I unleashed the dogs

I'm having the best holiday ever in Ireland.
I'm walking on Eire.

I pulled this girl last night who was obssessed with nuts.
All I got was a pecan the cheek.

Hear about the actor that fell through the floor?
It was just a stage he was going through.

I'm a geologist, it rocks.

Corks
They like to keep things bottled up

I went on a castle exhibition the other day,
but it wasn't really my forte.

I left my wife because she had a balance disorder...
I just couldn't stand her

I feel a bit sorry for Pete Tong. He can never get anything right.

I worry about the current rate of inflation. I'm not sure my blow up doll can take much more!

A girl came into the shop I work in today and didn't know which chocolate bar she wanted.
So I started sweet-talking her.

Just watched "Big Meets Bigger" it was on 4+1

They're going to make a child robot that can play music and videos.
iKid you not.

Michael Cera has been put on trial with his brother on allegations of murder.
The media are calling it 'case cera cera'

I've been feeling a little blue recently.
I'm molesting a Smurf.

I had to choose what to play my guitar with the other night.
I took my pick.