I have a house in West Africa, but I haven't Benin for a while.

Why was the chickpea arrested?
Hummuside.

The person that created the plunger.
I bet he's churning in his grave.

The town's local cereal farmer chased me accross his field, but I managed to shake him off by going on one of my maizey runs.

Me and a mate stayed up all night stapling things to each other at Tesco
Now I have bags under my eyes

I bought a new blackberry! I put it down for 30 seconds and some teat sits on it.
On the plus side it stained his designer jeans

At what age should I tell my philosophies they're adopted?

On a recent holiday to Washington D.C., I decided to visit the place where they print American currency. Near the end of the tour I saw a tiny machine in the corner that was making a lot of noise so I asked the tour guide why it was so loud.
"All the other machines print notes, that machine makes coins"
Ah that makes cents.

The police raided my local pub and arrested one of my mates. They'd found some gun cartridges at the scene of a shooting and traced them to him. They arrested him and dragged him off to the police station. He was proper gutted.
It was my round.

Free puppetry lesson.
There's strings attached.

I went out with a old wrinkle grape last night.
you could call it a date.

When my TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

The girls down at the local gym are quite fit.
I haven't been able to catch one yet.

The Eurozone credit ratings are like a frying pan.
Greece at the bottom.

I don't know why everyone is still making such a big fuss about the bridge I built last week.
They need to get over it.

I designed a new type of submarine for the Navy, made entirely out of recycled bubble wrap.
Needless to say it didn't go down well.

I've got an Indian relative.
She's my naan.

I live in a bit of a rough area. The Citizens Advice centre has a sign up on the front door, simply says 'Move'

The police have caught a serial rapist with a really bad stammer...
they said it'll be a while before he finishes his sentence.

I play bowling professionally.
Naturally I have a lot of spare time

I hit my mate up the face with a multimeter today.
Ohm'd!

tr...well...that's only HALF true...

I want my gravestone to say
"I tried it at home..."

Life insurance claims. They're to die for.

Pets at home can advertise as pet grooming and gillette can advertise as male grooming but when it comes to advertising my under 16's sallon as child grooming that's inapropriate?