Puns Joke

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Puns Joke

I bought a flea circus yesterday, but one of them won't go on the high wire.
It's a nervous tick.

Puns Joke

I stole money from a Dutch holy woman.
She was Nun Der Weiser.

Puns Joke

In France they make their omelets with only one egg.
You see, in France one egg is an oeuf

Puns Joke

I was completely alone on a boat with nothing but some shrimp and a fishing rod.
I decided I should try to Master Bait.

Puns Joke

My uncle slipped on some beans last week.
If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

Puns Joke

I saw some nerd walking around with a little '2' floating above his head the other day.
Square...

Puns Joke

I never jump on bandwagons.
I climb the steps carefully so as not to damage my trombone.

Puns Joke

Why are photographers always so depressed?
Because they always focus on the negatives.

Puns Joke

I was recently asked if as a young boy, was my mother very strict with me.
I said, 'let me get one thing straight, my mother was never a young boy.'

Puns Joke

I bought "Supermarkets- The videogame".
I was disappointed by the lack of Co-op

Puns Joke

I decided this morning to dress up as Gandalf for Halloween, but I can't help but think I left it a bit late to get the costume together.
You just can't get the staff these days.

Puns Joke

I went to a party for meteorologists yesterday.
Lovely atmosphere.

Puns Joke

My mates call me the horse whisperer, not because I'm good with horses, I've got throat cancer.

Puns Joke

I used to have a job operating an elevator. It had its ups and downs...

Puns Joke

"My bones are very brittle!" My wife snapped.

Puns Joke

I was in bed with this bird last night and she asked if she could cover me in ketchup and lick it all off.
I thought,' That's a bit saucy.'

Puns Joke

I hate my internet provider.
It may be Virgin, but it keeps going down on me.

Puns Joke

Aim for the stars,but first,aim for their bodyguards

Puns Joke

Royal Mail takes ages to come.
Kate Middleton is going to be very sore on her honeymoon.

Puns Joke

I loaned my mate Office 2007, but he wanted it kept a secret.
He has my Word.

Puns Joke

I want to open a pub and call it the Go-Go-Gadget Arms.

Puns Joke

The government bill to ban alcohol was met by a chorus of booze.

Puns Joke

When I was little I had imaginary friends and I used to play with them all the time.
They were real people, i just imagined they were my friends.

Puns Joke

What's the best type of bait to take on a fishing weekend?
Jail bait.