My wife never trust me with anything, especially when it comes to the kids, so I was surprised this morning when she asked me to drop them off at the nursery.
I thought they looked really nice next to the potted plants and the baby conifers.

I was playing poker with my mates and as the flop was revealed, I put two ounces of meat in the air.
One of my mates said, "What are you doing?"
I replied, "Raising the steaks."

I am a counterfeiter.
I mostly work in kitchens.

Think my keyboard needs therapy.
Some of the keys have been depressed lately.

I cut myself when I was shaving last night.
I get depressed easily and I like to multi task

SkySports - Mancini recieves Mario boost.
There's too many puns to think of for this headline to be clever, so I'll just close my Internet Bowser.

Apparently my local news had an announcement on how to load a gun
But I never got the bulletin

There's something wrong with my new thimble.
I can't quite put my finger on it.

My wife says she's leaving me because of my vegetable related puns.
But I bet it's really because of my low Celery.

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back.

A fire broke out in a Basque movie theatre in northern Spain. Unfortunately, there was only one emergency door, and several people were trampled.
It only goes to show that you shouldn't put all your Basques in one exit.

The Grand Canyon is just gorges.

The perks of working in a keyboard factory.
Extra shifts.

I dropped my barometer earlier.
Just couldn't handle the pressure.

Michael Jackson's doctor has been found guilty of manslaughter today.
It was a thriller, but they found out he was bad, and eventually told him to beat it.

I have an irrational fear of common German names,
I'm extremely Klaustrophobic

Quick pole: North or South?

I hate those pictures of women with their pants pulled up right tight.
Think I'm cameltoes intolerant.

I told my friend that an Octopus has Tentacles.
He said "I thought they only had eight"

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

All the local black kids hang right outside my house.
That tree is really paying for itself.

Whenever something was done to make a bad situation worse my dad used to always say it was "simply adding fuel to the fire"
I think that's why he lost his job as fireman

Who's Differ? And why does everyone seem to beg to him?

Just had to take a pay cut at work as business is slow.
Hadn't realised it's called a 'contract' because they get smaller.

I asked my doctor why I had a permanent erection.
He said, "It's hard to say."