I always seem to have disagreements with cows...
I try to be nice but it seems they've always got beef.

I saw an atheist man with no cheeks, no eyes, no forehead, no chin, and a lisp.
His lack of faith disturbed me.

My next door neighbour is a lovely lady, she's always happy to fix my favourite pair of jeans.
Or sew its seams.

See Bill and Ben were caught doing drugs.
Potheads.

I accidently drank a litre of food colouring.
I feel like I'm dyeing inside.

I was in Sudan when I broke my ankle and fell in the Nile.
I ended up in Egypt.
Oh well, that's the way it goes.

'Im a baker in the marines, and when i go to war, i go in buns a glazing'.
To find out more visit armyjobs.mod.uk

Yesterday I invited my friend to an Erectile Dysfunction convention.
He couldn't come.

Its The Last Time I Fly With B.A
Took Me Forever To Get Him On The Plane

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms. I fear a military coo.

Try saying the word 'Maltesers' with one in your mouth....
It just rolls off your tongue.

What do you get after Batman's funeral?
A grave Robin.

Today it was raining cats and dogs.
I stepped in a poodle.

I gave my Son a faceless coin,
He couldn't make head nor tails of it.

I have a genius fish. So smart, in fact, that he has been allowed to join a local high school.
That was until recently when he took Debate.

I went skydiving with a mong when his parachute failed.
He didn't seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation.

I got home today to find a parcel waiting on my doorstep. I opened it and was delighted to discover it was a box of Stabilo Boss coloured pens.
It was the higlight of my day

I took a photo of the thing I use to play my guitar.
It was a lovely pic.

why did the chicken cross the play ground?
to get to the other slide..

They call me MC Cling Film,
I'll wrap about anything.

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me due to my large collection of Red Hot Chilli Peppers memorabilia, so I had to give it away, give it away, give it away now.

I had a gravy production company but it failed because no one bought our stock.

Unsurprisingly, I fell out with a friend when he axed my family to death. Twenty years in prison and he's a reformed, repentant man and I'd like bygones to be bygones.
I'm meeting him tonight to bury the hatchet.

How did Mr Radiation deal with his disobedient wife?
He Beta.

I find that shooting stars are very pointless.
The bullet will never reach it.