I was trying to hold a map of a French town in my hand, but kept dropping it.
It was Toulouse.

Finished writing my first book today, which was a novel experience.

Procrastination; Otherwise known as self-distract mode.

Upskirts
Because asking her to show you would be rude.

Everyone says that i dont understand what puns are.
If you'll pardon the pun

My mate told me he has a shed full of geese. I asked him for a gander...

What's the most common type of owl in Britain?
The Teet Owl

My calculator broke in the middle of an exam today
I just can't count on it anymore

My mate asked me, 'How long is a piece of string?'
'13 letters in total' I replied.

A little part of me died when I got castrated.

My football team just signed a morbidly-obese winger.
It's important to have a wide man.

My job, working at Jessops, is still developing.

I just can't stand 2 legged chairs

I feel sick that I'll have to quit my debate club.
It just doesn't agree with me.

Anyone want a plate?
Speak now or forever hold your pizza.

I've just been fired from my window cleaning job.
I lost my rag.

I had an Ice Cream Truck once. It was a sweet ride.

I don't like tennis, I find it has too many faults

A farmer turned to me and strangely yelled "screw you"
I replied "It's not a ewe, its a ram"

I opened the fridge and a lettuce told me to back the favourite in the 3.25 at Ascot.
I think it's just the tip of the iceberg.

My mate asked me if I thought buying stolen property was just as bad as burglary.
I'm sitting on the fence.

I was stuck in a lift with Aston Villa's Irish goalkeeper and a South American Marxist revolutionary.
Touche.

I've just entered a profession of studying the images, ideas, emotions and sensations that occur involuntarily during sleep.
It's my dream job.

Was looking round a new house today, asked the estate agent if i could use the toilet, she said yes so long as i dont claim squatters rights. Theres that plan foiled.

I had to write an accounts report for Sampsonite.
It was a case study.