I walked past a measuring jug earlier which said '150 centimetres cubed!'
I think it speaks volumes.

I was trying to withdraw some money from a cash point, but the machine kept saying "not valid".
I looked at my card and thought, "This is unacceptable"

LED ZEPPELIN: Much more energy efficient than Plasma Zeppelin

After eating out at a local restaurant, the waitress clearing our tables noticed the left-overs and said, "You wanna box for that?".
I said, "No, but we could wrestle for it".

Whenever I drive very quickly, my girlfriend says "It's not a race"
If it's not a race, then how was I disqualified?

Imagine not being able to have kids.
Personally, I can't conceive being infertile.

Watches - It's what's on the inside that counts.

I heard through the grapevine that phones are being replaced with more primitive technology

Puns are the lowest form of Hugh Moore.
...whoever he is.

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can't believe the currant exchange rate!

Anyone want to buy some bargain tail lights?
Before you ask... yes, I got them off the back of a lorry.

What happens when you do trigonemetry on a sunny day?
You get a tan.

What do bees do when they move into a new hive?
Have a house swarming party.

Snoods are the necks big thing.

Birth, the only instance when two heads aren't better than one.

I can't think of any boat puns.
Canoe?

Just read a headline:
"Missing woman, remains found."
Wish they would make their mind up.

My friend is really depressed at the moment with his job working at the Fanta factory. Iv been told he just stands at the end of the production line and doesnt talk to anyone....
I dont know what to say to him. He just keeps bottling things up.

I'm loving my low fat diet.
I don't have to eat the wife out any more.

I was Looking at Buying a 3 story house.
But my wife said it had too many flaws.

I just got a job in advertising. They've have asked me to sell protractors but im not sure what angle i should take.

Police were shocked to find bones dumped at the side of the M5 motorway.
They're now scouring the hard shoulder for Spock and Chekov.

'Schools waste millions'.
It's about time we had a population cull.

Never lie to an x-ray technician.
They can see right through you.

What's the difference between female comedians and kids?
Kids say the funniest things