What's Nick Griffin's favourite part of a supermarket?
The Czech Out.

I've had to stop collecting packs of cards.
I've got a full house.

These jokes about the Batman shootings are the Bane of my existence.

I like my women how I like my umbrellas. Thrown in the cellar, saved for a rainy day.

If there is a wild goose and your trying to chase it, and someone leads you away from your hunt, are you closer or further away from your objective than you were before?

I've just heard it took the mexican fire brigade almost an hour to extinguish the flames.
They couldn't find a jose long enough.

Skydiving accidents.
Putting the terminal into terminal velocity.

My mate pointed to a girl in the park and said
''Would you tap that?''
''No.'' I said. ''I would whack it and unwrap it.''

My mate asked if I wanted to go to a parade at 5.00 in the morning, but I wasn't up for it

Newspaper headline:
'Heavily Disfigured Face Covered in Silicone Oil Found in Bin'
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

I pretended to be an African tribal doctor for a day.
Shaman me.

I once knew a Norse God but he was diagnosed with Leukaemia and I lost contact with him for 3 years.
I saw him today and he was Baldr

Carpet fitting is ok. But it does have its flaws.

Whenever I say "You are sentenced to 4 years in prison," I say it with conviction

I once knew a guy with Alzheimer's who got himself arrested intentionally.
He didn't know what he was in for.

What do you call a black man after plastic surgery?
A re-formed criminal

I threatened my caterpillar farm that I would turn them into soup.
But they managed to wriggle their way out of it.

Saw this Cushion that looking amazingly comfy so I jumped head first into it ... Woke up 3 days later. Turns out it was a con-cushion

What do you call it when someone can't see, smell, hear, feel or speak?
Nonsense.

I had to buy a belt sander - I couldn't quite get the leather through the little loops on my jeans.

I was watching a TV show about Alan Davies getting arthritis.
Jonathan Creak

I was waiting for a bus the other day, when it hit me:
I probably should've been standing at the bus stop, not in the middle of the road.

I was going to to tell you a tale, of the night I escaped from a car park's second level to the third.
But, that's a different story.

I have a vested interest in the undergarment world.

I listened to a song about frisbees.
It was catchy.