My Girlfriend reminded me too much of a poo
So I dumped her

A group of people gathered outside my house and started shouting 'we love Poborsky!, we love Poborsky!'.
I hate Karel singers.

All this talk on the news about Black Holes,
I don't know what people see in them.

Mexican strip club - Sombre-hoes

I was counting quartz and amethyst today....
I am addicted to crystal math.

I just installed CCTV in my house.
My wife but doesn't like it but I can see where she's coming from.

I joined the Mile High Club the other day.
I was blown sky high.

I'm sick of my job at McDonalds.
Flippin' burgers.

I got fired from my job as a prostate examiner today...
Apparently shouting "Look, no hands!" is inapropriate.

Ever since my experiments with radiation turned me into a voucher, I have been looking for a way to redeem myself

What do you call an up-to-date raisin?
Currant.

What do you call a Boutique with no queues?
Boutiue.

Anybody else hear about that Italian waiter working on the Costa Concordia? He had been praying for a big tip.

My Cat's a real ladies man, he never stops picking up birds.

Through meditation I've learned that I can control diarrhoea without taking conventional medicines.
It's really easy, just a simple case of mind over splatter...

I really shouldn't have married my missus.
She wasn't really ready, needed time to develop and was a little bit unstable.
Unusually I suppose, that makes her a wife beta.

i tell you who's a really good singer..... R Kelly
we're so proud of her

I was burning dolls earlier.
It was a Barbiecue.

My friend came over to my house earlier and I showed him my collection of music magazines. After he left I noticed that a few had gone missing. In future I'll keep my friends close and my NMEs even closer.

What a day...
I went to the casino after work and blew everything.
And to top it off they kicked me out for not gambling.

Obesity is an increasingly weighty issue nowadays...

I applied for a lottery grant, for me and my mates to form a Dusty Springfield tribute act.
Only one of our group was allocated some money and that was only because his dad works at Dominos Pizza.
The only boy who got any funding, was the son a Pizza Man

I used to design mazes...
But it was a dead-end job.

Andy Murray could get a job in my local KFC. They can't serve correctly either.

In a shock move, the Bowlers Union strikes.