Which knight never won a battle?
Sir Render.

Back in Vietnam i was a toilet cleaner
I still get flush Backs

I've always lived out of a suitcase.
I've never lived inside a suitcase.

I resented filling in that government survey so much that I went down to my local MP's office and broke his kneecaps.
In hindsight, it was just census violence.

Just seen a huge killer fish playing guitar in the town centre.
Think its a busking shark.

Going into a restaurant dressed as a lobster can land you in hot water.

Why is milk fast?
Because it's pasteurised before you see it.

I bought my wife some C4 for her birthday.
She was blown away.

Can my friend name at least one ninja weapon?
Shuriken

My girlfriend bought me a watch for my birthday, even though she knows I already have one.
What a waste of time.

I have just spent the day up a mountain, standing on a sheer cliff ledge.
I love acting the goat.

I recently carried out an armed robbery at my local post office and got away with a substantial amount of cash. Unfortunately I left behind a handfull of 2p and 1p pieces which had traces of my DNA on.
I got caught by the coppers.

I gave my wife a puzzled look earlier...
Cut her into 1000 tiny pieces.

Mirror.co.uk - Tories rap 'urban war' in UK cities - 15 hrs ago
where do i get this song from?

I've got a package here but unfortunately it's addressed to MC Hammer
Can't touch this...

Re- painting your house is like the olympics....
Nothing will ever work as well as beigeing.

I finally plucked up the courage to trump infront of my girlfriend and her parents last night.
First trick I've ever won at Bridge.

I was on a crazy lads holiday when I met a bloke from Afghanistan. His name was Allsummer Bin Larginit

"Question all authority"
Why should I?

BBC News:
"A food production company was ordered to pay nearly 17,000 after a man found a dead mouse in a loaf of bread as he made sandwiches for his children."
That's brilliant. The best thing since miced bread.

What's the definition of an orgy?
A party where everyone comes.

I went into Sainsbury's and asked, "Do you sell spinal vertebrae?"
The guy said, "They're in the back."

What do mushrooms wear to the gym?
A spores bra.

I went to a Crowded House concert yesterday.
I couldn't get in.

Pizza jokes are all about the delivery.