My friend was born with a GPS locator embedded in his chest.
He can be difficult, but you know exactly where you stand with him.

My Dad kept using this GPS in his car that kept directing him to cliff edges
I think that's what led him to his downfall.

Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks.
It's all lice.

I just saw an advert for "skyJaguar", and immediately phoned the number on screen. Imagine my disappointment when I was congratulated for adopting an endangered animal, not for owning the world's first flying car.

The wife had a go at me earlier, telling me I shouldn't keep toffees in the same pocket as my antique pistols.
I stuck to my guns.

I was trying to explain trigonometry to my teenage nephew the other day, but I kept going off on a tangent.

I had a Cardiac Arrest yesterday.
I caught some bloke stealing hearts from the morgue.

My blind friend has started keeping a diary. Soon everyone will know his secrets, the writing's on the wall.

I've just taken a bold risk and downloaded some audio recording software for my computer.
The Audacity!

I'm gonna bounce back from this setback if my name is Rick O'Shea!

So my girlfriend just dumped me because I don't like Italian food. I really thought we could just move pasta thing like that.

Whenever I meet new people, I tell them that I drive a gritting lorry during snowfall.
It helps to break the ice...

I couldn't believe it when my gang of bandits told me they had kidnapped Minnie Mouse.
I thought they were taking the Mickey.

This Fleetwood Mac Sat Nav is rubbish - it keeps telling me to go my own way.

I had a fight with a piece of wood yesterday.
I decked it.

Girls think I'm weird because I count a piece of furniture as my best friend.
I guess tonight it's just me, my shelf, and I.

How many people are addicted to drugs in the US?
You do the meth.

My wife broke down again in the car today.
I must remember not to whistle at teenage girls when she's sitting in there next to me.

I've been asked to play Sylvester Stallone's part as a cop in the future in a stage play of the movie,
I'm dreading it..

I reached an all-time high last night.
About 5 cm from the ceiling.

I was pressing my clothes the other day when I burned the middle of my leg
Oh the iron knee!

Just spent last 5 hours making a few poxy sandwiches for tonight's buffet. Made a bit of a meal of it to be honest.

I was walking through a beautiful rainforest, filled with animal life and happiness, when I saw two cubic objects which are used for generating numbers.
It was a paradise.

My wife asked me to wax her bikini line.
She can go and pluck herself!

I used to have a business selling sculptures depicting just the head and shoulders.
It went bust.