As I got to the top of the mountain I thought "well, it's all down hill from here."

Jon Bon Jovi is training to become a preist,
he's living on a prayer,
Well he's halfway there

Where did the mathematical dolphin do his sums?
Indices.

I fancied a pint so I thought I'd try The Not Inn.
It was shut.

The wife went mad after catching me smoking a fat one in the garden yesterday.
"That salmon's going to make my washing stink of fish." she raged.

Last week, Whilst doing my job as a change dispenser Technician, i was stuck trying to think ways to remove a jammed coin.
But then the penny dropped.

I watched a fisherman in a boxing match, he only threw hooks.

In his will, my Grandad left me a Victorian device for weaving wigs for yourselves and your children.
It's an old family heirloom.

Why cant the human race think sitting down ?
It stands to reason.

A small bit of lightning hit my toilet.
That was a shock to my cistern.

I'm in charge of the national armed forces.... generally speaking.

How come the BBC is the only outlet that seems unaware that one of their news teams is being beaten and detained in Lybia?
Suppose the answer is in the question.

BBC News: Search resumes for missing Loch Etive fisherman
Guess he was just in the wrong plaice at the wrong time.

Whenever I look at my wife and her conjoined twin I think:
"Now there's a woman and a half..."

I am trying to invent a board of some description which could be used to rest upon whilst somebody was drawing. Seem to have hit loads of problems though and I'm getting nowhere.
Oh well, back to the I don't know what.

Daily Mail: "Manchester City have made their biggest signing of the summer by landing rock star fan Liam Gallagher...."
Seems weird, but i'm just gonna Roll With It.

I just mastered the art of humility and I'm proud of it.

I used to be obsessed with Posh Spice.
I can't believe how much money I spent on saffron.

My friend had to have her leg amputated the other day, she was stumped.

I tried to cover the kitchen floor using a minimal number of slates... but it was a futile effort.

Argentina have just brought on Tchaikovsky to try and up the tempo...

When people ask where I work I tell them I'm in telesales.
Sounds better than "I work at Comet"

My wife thinks she's witty.
She's half right.

I've bought my wife this really unusual lady's smoking jacket ....
It's made from a lovely long silk cut.

When the world is your oyster, all you have to do is stay clam and collected.