IN THE NEWS
Snooker ace arested on murder charges!
I think somones trying to frame him

i used to fill a bin with water, sugar, hops and malt and leave it under the stairs for a while but i stopped doing it ................in the end it just made me bitter

I was out at the pub quiz with my nieces and nephews the other night, and the final round was all about Matt Damon films. We got absolutely trounced.
Kids today don't know their Bourne.

I have recently broke up with the wife.
It gets hard when I think of the kids.

Police are investigating a tip off about a robbery taking place this afternoon at the Heinz factory...
Sauce Unknown.

I got thrown out of Chester Zoo for making a parrot laugh today.
It's polly tickle correctness gone mad.

I've been working round the clock in my new job and it's left me knackered.
It's not easy cleaning the windows on Big Ben.

Apple have announced that they are to launch the iPad 2 by spring.
I thought, 'Don't do that, you'll smash it!'

I've just found out who was nicking my beetroot. I caught him red handed.

Just been to the cinema and sat with a champion wrestler to the left of me and Simon Weston to the right.
I was in between the Rock and a charred face.

I bought a snow shovel today ' time i got it home it had melted

Whats Mr T's favorite rock band?
The Foo Fighters....

You'll find me using two keyboards at once.
I like to stereotype.

I went on a date with a black bird last night.
We went to a crow bar.

Just cleaned the garage with my girlfriend.
She was hard to pick up and her hair is now full of oil, but she made a smashing broom.

My mate just got moved from his desk job with the police force to scientific support for fire arms.
He went ballistic.

My son lost a tooth last night so I gave him a pound.
Then he lost some more.

I shout at car doors.
I love to wind them up.

I've been spending too much time on the computer and I think there's a chance the constant slouching could lead to back pain.
But ah well, it's just a hunch.

I'd like to go to Holland someday.
Wooden shoe?

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?
He just couldn't resistor.

My mate said "Would you like to hear a pun about a forest?"
"Yeah" I said, "I Sherwood."

A man with a whistle and a man with a football got on my train yesterday.
It kicked off.

Fight apathy.
Or don't.

I see the inventor of WD40 died.
May he rust in peace.