I had to break up with my girlfriend because she's obsessed with Twilight.
Fed up of her waking me up just before dawn to look at nothing.
I've been told I have a gambling addiction.
I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Breaking news: Car stops quick.
I poured my cat out some milk the other day.
Don't know how it got in there...
I was walking home the other day when a middle eastern market popped up at the side of the road.
I thought, "how bazaar."
I have prepared a presentation on global warming.
It's not that bad but it won't exactly set the world on fire.
I just bought a kitchen from MFI, 80% off.
I ended up with just a sink and a cupboard.
I was flicking through the channels earlier when I found 'GodTV'.
I then tried to find The Atheist Channel, but it turned out it didn't exist.
I always try and make the best of a bad situation, whatever it may be. I once bought a rather cheap bottle of fizzy water which was flat when I opened it.
To make myself seem taller, I started to hang around with people shorter than me. It worked really well, until all the concerned parents started to complain.
What do you call a university full of fat girls studying neuroscience?
I've just bought some new jogging trainers, they should prove a good purchase in the long run
Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.
What do you call a speedy news correspondent:
I saw my friend slumped on the lawnmower today, crying his eyes out.
He was just going through a rough patch.
FOR SALE: Human skull - Only been used once.
I had an argument with my Wife in a sauna the other day.
It was very heated.
I was playing noughts and crosses with a friend, when he started playing with a marker pen.
It was a bold move.
I can't believe the undemocratic EU will only allow power-saving lightbulbs to be sold.
Never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll end up legless.
Drivers! get that feeling of a luxurious gravel driveway by supergluing ricekrispies to your tyres.
Who is the worlds best White wrapper?
Spent the morning painting my nails. Now my hammer is jealous.
Bit of a tight sneeze.
Change is a part of life.
After all, you can't expect to always have the right amount in cash.