I had to break up with my girlfriend because she's obsessed with Twilight.
Fed up of her waking me up just before dawn to look at nothing.

I've been told I have a gambling addiction.
I'm not sure how to deal with it.

Breaking news: Car stops quick.

I poured my cat out some milk the other day.
Don't know how it got in there...

I was walking home the other day when a middle eastern market popped up at the side of the road.
I thought, "how bazaar."

I have prepared a presentation on global warming.
It's not that bad but it won't exactly set the world on fire.

I just bought a kitchen from MFI, 80% off.
I ended up with just a sink and a cupboard.

I was flicking through the channels earlier when I found 'GodTV'.
I then tried to find The Atheist Channel, but it turned out it didn't exist.

I always try and make the best of a bad situation, whatever it may be. I once bought a rather cheap bottle of fizzy water which was flat when I opened it.
Still......

To make myself seem taller, I started to hang around with people shorter than me. It worked really well, until all the concerned parents started to complain.

What do you call a university full of fat girls studying neuroscience?
A hippocampus.

I've just bought some new jogging trainers, they should prove a good purchase in the long run

Abstinence leaves a lot to be desired.

What do you call a speedy news correspondent:
Justin

I saw my friend slumped on the lawnmower today, crying his eyes out.
He was just going through a rough patch.

FOR SALE: Human skull - Only been used once.

I had an argument with my Wife in a sauna the other day.
It was very heated.

I was playing noughts and crosses with a friend, when he started playing with a marker pen.
It was a bold move.

I can't believe the undemocratic EU will only allow power-saving lightbulbs to be sold.
I'm incandescent!.

Top tip;
Never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll end up legless.

Drivers! get that feeling of a luxurious gravel driveway by supergluing ricekrispies to your tyres.

Who is the worlds best White wrapper?
Santa claus.

Spent the morning painting my nails. Now my hammer is jealous.

"A Jew"...
Bit of a tight sneeze.

Change is a part of life.
After all, you can't expect to always have the right amount in cash.