"Evangelist Oral Roberts dies aged 91"
That sucks.

It was only after I had jumped out the plane without a parachute that I realised the gravity of the situation.

I cut my mate into numerous small, oddly shaped, interlocking and tessellating pieces.
He was puzzled.

A man has been found guilty of multiple murders. Each victim was found wearing a plain white t-shirt...
There was no Motif.

Most people complain about missionaries on their door step, but I love them: JW's, Mormons, Hare Krishnas, I always invite them in.
I'm bald, but I have a huge collection of wigs.
And I love avocado dip, eat it every day.
I'm living the dream:
Sects and rugs and guacamole.

It's not that I didn't know how to use that website.
I just couldn't give a FAQ.

I just got the call telling me that I failed my Electrician's exam.
I nearly died of shock.

I'm starting to believe I'm psychic.....but then again, of course, I already knew that.

I stole a boomerang in this store today and stuffed it up my sleeve, the security guard caught me and threw me out the shop 37 times...

My wife caught me on the sofa wearing nothing but my birthday suit.
She was furious... we never normally open presents the night before.

Germany is marking the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
Well its just a dissident memory now..

I wanted to join the nudist camp in December, but they were clothed for Winter.

"Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own." - anonymous

Whenever people complain I can't do magic and I'm not entertaining, I show them a video of my favourite magician.
He usually does the trick.

I've just invented a joke about helium, unfortunately it doesn't go down very well..

Broken hooks
I won't put up with them.

I was recently sentenced to death. The judge's verdict was that I am to be hung by the end of the week.
The tension's killing me.

I've got Miss America in the bag!
I'm taking her home with me.

Heard victoria beckham gave birth,
Do you think it was a natural birth or did
She regurgitate it whilst trying to chuck up her breakfast?

I worked as a poolboy at a nudist colony but had to quit as it was too hard

I will be the envy of every man on Sickipedia.
I have been invited to a naked wedding,
And I came within an inch of being best man.

I got into a fight with an amputee.
He beat me single-handedly.

When Bill Oddie dies, will he keep twitching?

If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia

I went to a political debate yesterday and somebody threw a melted chocolate bar at one of the speakers.
It proved to be quite a hot topic.