Whats a blind persons favorite liquor?
Brailleys.

When the X-Factor comes to Birmingham, the phrase "Who'll steal the crown this year?" has a totally different meaning.

I went to a fancy dress party last night and I saw this guy who'd dressed as a Helium balloon.
He was stuck to the ceiling, I thought "He's let himself go."

Really sad about my dalmatian dying, oh well, at least the house is spotless now.

I love tipping people,
Wheelchair Basketball is the best.

The first rule of blood group club is B positive.

I should have been sad when the batteries in my flashlight died, but I was delighted.

I used to go out with a vocal coach, but it was always me me me me meeeee with her

I was turned down flat today , when trying to get my book published.
I'll bet if was a famous author, it would have been a different story.

So I was out in town the other day dressed as a pepper, when I was approached by a promotions lady giving away free bubbly chocolate "have an aero?" she asked, "no! Scotch Bonnet" I replied.

When I was in the army, we were taught to shoot first and ask questions later. Mind you we never got many answers.

I was talking to this architect who had his house-maid backwards so he could watch TV at the same time.....

Liverpool Primark will have to employ extra security and store detectives this week.
It'll be wall to wall chavant garde at the crem.

I don't understand how gravestones have become popular.....
So many people are dead against them.

You can now buy software that spams underage girls.
16.99 from Phisher-Price.

Since I have been writing all my sickipedia jokes on toilet paper none of them have got buried.
Must be on a roll.

My dad is a former postman living in Germany
He's something of an ex Pat

I take my clothes to the dry cleaners
If I took them to the wet cleaners I might slip over

I bought my friend a candle extinguisher for his birthday. He was delighted.

I set fire to the wife last night. This morning she was still fuming.

What do you get when you cross a cow with an arab?
Milk Sheikh

I started stealing from the calender factory after being informed my job was at threat.
I've been taking one day at a time since then.

Despite being mute myself, it really frustrates me when I see other mutes trying to communicate with each other.
Oh well, I'm not one to talk

Rulers have measurable power.

I used to have a job making furniture out of plants.
I'll tell you, it was no bed of roses.