Someone told me that my hair makes me look fat.
So I decided to diet.

The Police warned me they'd pin the crime on me if I didn't pick an African American from the line up.
Black male, I thought.

I was approached by MI5 today. I said to them, "I'm fit, healthy, highly intelligent and patriotic. Why would I would want to sell sofas?"

I am handsome, but this characteristic of mine disappears due to light.

I came home last night and caught me wife dressed in my old school uniform.
Anyway, I felt a little Krankie.

I took some photos of my girlfriend earlier.
It took me ages to unscrew the frames off the nursery walls.

I was driving down the road in my van the other day, when i saw two cute 9 year old twins walking down the street on their own. I couldn't believe it, i had to do a double-take.

My neighbour was lopping branches off his conifers the other day using a swordfish.
When I asked him why he was doing that he said "Swordfish? The guy in the shop told me it was a tree sturgeon."

if you can't keep it in your pants,
Keep it in your family

Went to the zoo the other day
Some cuddly black and white bears in stockings were going berserk
It was sheer pandemonium.

I have got a bit of land so I decided to start growing some illegal substances there.
My girlfriend has just phoned me to say that my plants have vanished.
I think she's lost the pot.

Who are the most 'cheesed-off' pair in London tonight?
Gord n' Zola

The worse thing I ever had to do as a doctor was tell Billy Ray Cyrus he needed heart surgery.

My friend says I may be a communist,
I say he's just Russian to conclusions.

I had a dream that I was driving down the motorway in my car whilst making pancakes.
All night tossing and turning

My cousin's fruit stand at the local market was burnt down by vandals.
I've never seen a mango so meloncholy before.

The Mirror: "Manchester City star Mario Balotelli sets house on fire with cracker"
I don't know why that white guy hangs around with Balotelli, he's such a bad influence on him.

During the day I'm a yacht handyman, by night I cheat at poker.
I'm always fixing the deck, me.

Music related puns only lead to treble.

I've been writing short stories for years but recently decided to work on a full length book.
Its a novel approach.

Got in a fight with a black man today.
Beat him blue.

I was in Florida last week, researching the best way to track thunderstorms.
Then it struck me.

I feel bad for my maths teacher as he got in a fight last night at a pub.
It's a sin cos he got tanned.

Contortionists are twisted people.

My brother just left to do his second tour of Iraq, so i bought him a comb as a parting gift.