Tried my hand at masturbation.
I picked it up in 2 minutes.

I warned my friend I'd be round in a jiffy, so I don't know why he was surprised when I turned up outside his house dressed in a large padded envelope.

My wife was complaining that I never take her out anymore, so I did.
She'll be conscious again in a couple of hours to thank me.

flo rida molested a fourteen year old girl the judge said " he had never seen someone steep so low low low low low low low low.

My obsession with cars is causing my wife and I to drift apart.

My Native American mate is struggling to grow proper facial hair.
He has Apache beard.

Just been kicked out a pub quiz for beating up an oriental bloke.
I think its fair to say I won that Thai breaker!

Some of these maths Puns just don't add up, I wish the Mods would take away them as its causing a big divide.

Smashed my girlfriends face earlier
What a food fight that was

I'm officially the fastest Royal Mail thief in the country.
I've held the post for the past three years running.

Why is Captain Birdseye greedy?
His business makes him sell fish.

I have lots of livestock
But everytime I try to make gravy it runs away

My wife bought me a new camouflage jacket and asked me to try it on.
'It's a bit too army' I told her
'But I thought you love the Army?' She replied
'I do love the Army' I said, 'I meant the sleeves are too long'.

My mate reckons it really easy to make a joke, and that you can make one out of anything these days.
"You could easily make a joke out of a Roman Road" he said
"It's not that straight forward" I replied

Forecast for this weekend: Mostly drunk, with a chance of hangover.

My wife asked me, "Are there are any better ways of finely cutting cheese than with a knife?"
I replied, "I could think of grater things."

Breaking News : Newly crowned Bukkake world champion claims he will "Take on all comers".

I've just taken a quick nibble at my juicy Granny Smith.
I think I'll reward myself with an apple.

I was thrown out of the Apple shop today, because I was Windows shopping

"Hey man, did you see that wild pig?!"
"Nah I was having a slash in the bushes."
"Oh, well don't worry too much... it was a bore."

My favourite artist is Whitney Houston
You've probably never heard of her
She's kind of Underground...

I just took my new range of protective headgear for ducks on Dragon's Den
Theo knocked me back. He said it wouldn't cover the bills.

My brother lost a stone last week...
I've never seen anyone so upset about losing a pet rock.

Stop clubbing baby seals!
It's bad for your livers.

A guy with big fingers and thumbs won at poker last night.
He had such a great hand.